Skip to main content

I Miss Him -- Not New Boo

I just realized that I miss The Man Formerly Known As The One.

With all the drama and hype of the New Boo breakup, my feelings about TMFKATO have kind of gotten lost in the sauce. I rarely think of the man who restored my hope in love the first time. He was the one who opened up my heart just enough for New Boo to slip in.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that part of the pain of losing New Boo is tied up in losing TMFKATO, too. I never really gave myself enough space to really mourn the loss of our relationship and his untimely death. As I looked at his sister's Facebook page, I thought about how much I loved him at one time, and it hit me.

I miss him.

He was moody, surly, aloof, bitter, and a lot of other things, but he loved me. He wanted to be my husband and give me babies and grow old with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his way out of the bottle long enough to be the man I needed him to be.

I find our love story to be quite tragic. Inasmuch as I wanted New Boo and I to stay together, I think I harbored the need for some kind of reunion with TMFKATO at some point in our lives. But since he died, that'll never be.

And I miss him.

He had a wicked sense of humor and he always knew how to make me laugh. He was a sweetheart when he wanted to be, and a lowlife when he didn't.

More than anything, he encouraged me in everything I wanted to do. He could see greatness in me, and he wanted to see me go beyond my limits. I just wish the bottle could've loosened its grip on him so he could achieve his own greatness.

(SN: This is when you know you've cried too much. Your body won't even heave when you cry anymore.)

I know love will come for me again. After what I've been through with both of those guys, I have to believe there's something better on the way.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…
Post a Comment
Read more

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.
Post a Comment
Read more

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.
Post a Comment
Read more