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I Miss Him -- Not New Boo

I just realized that I miss The Man Formerly Known As The One.

With all the drama and hype of the New Boo breakup, my feelings about TMFKATO have kind of gotten lost in the sauce. I rarely think of the man who restored my hope in love the first time. He was the one who opened up my heart just enough for New Boo to slip in.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that part of the pain of losing New Boo is tied up in losing TMFKATO, too. I never really gave myself enough space to really mourn the loss of our relationship and his untimely death. As I looked at his sister's Facebook page, I thought about how much I loved him at one time, and it hit me.

I miss him.

He was moody, surly, aloof, bitter, and a lot of other things, but he loved me. He wanted to be my husband and give me babies and grow old with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his way out of the bottle long enough to be the man I needed him to be.

I find our love story to be quite tragic. Inasmuch as I wanted New Boo and I to stay together, I think I harbored the need for some kind of reunion with TMFKATO at some point in our lives. But since he died, that'll never be.

And I miss him.

He had a wicked sense of humor and he always knew how to make me laugh. He was a sweetheart when he wanted to be, and a lowlife when he didn't.

More than anything, he encouraged me in everything I wanted to do. He could see greatness in me, and he wanted to see me go beyond my limits. I just wish the bottle could've loosened its grip on him so he could achieve his own greatness.

(SN: This is when you know you've cried too much. Your body won't even heave when you cry anymore.)

I know love will come for me again. After what I've been through with both of those guys, I have to believe there's something better on the way.

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Why?

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Why can't he love me like I need him to?

Ugh.