Skip to main content

I Miss Him -- Not New Boo

I just realized that I miss The Man Formerly Known As The One.

With all the drama and hype of the New Boo breakup, my feelings about TMFKATO have kind of gotten lost in the sauce. I rarely think of the man who restored my hope in love the first time. He was the one who opened up my heart just enough for New Boo to slip in.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that part of the pain of losing New Boo is tied up in losing TMFKATO, too. I never really gave myself enough space to really mourn the loss of our relationship and his untimely death. As I looked at his sister's Facebook page, I thought about how much I loved him at one time, and it hit me.

I miss him.

He was moody, surly, aloof, bitter, and a lot of other things, but he loved me. He wanted to be my husband and give me babies and grow old with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his way out of the bottle long enough to be the man I needed him to be.

I find our love story to be quite tragic. Inasmuch as I wanted New Boo and I to stay together, I think I harbored the need for some kind of reunion with TMFKATO at some point in our lives. But since he died, that'll never be.

And I miss him.

He had a wicked sense of humor and he always knew how to make me laugh. He was a sweetheart when he wanted to be, and a lowlife when he didn't.

More than anything, he encouraged me in everything I wanted to do. He could see greatness in me, and he wanted to see me go beyond my limits. I just wish the bottle could've loosened its grip on him so he could achieve his own greatness.

(SN: This is when you know you've cried too much. Your body won't even heave when you cry anymore.)

I know love will come for me again. After what I've been through with both of those guys, I have to believe there's something better on the way.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

He's Gone...For Real

My uncle died. He actually ceased to live. I don't know how to handle this. Even though he was my mother's brother, he was so much more than that to me. He was the coolest cat on the block, He set the standard that every man had to meet. He was the one I compared every man in my life to. For all intents and purposes, he was my de facto dad. I am stunned. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of my body. I grew up watching him. If he sat up straight, I wanted to sit up straight. I once caught him standing up to pee. I thought I'd do that when I grew up, too. (You can just imagine that conversation). That's the thing...he never shied away from my craziness. When I discovered what a father was -- at the tender age of five -- I purposed in my heart to find one for myself. I asked every man I knew, including him, if they'd be my daddy. He said, "I can't be your dad. I'm your uncle." When I pressed, he gently explained that he already had a significan...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Middle Aged Rant

I am single. I’ve never had a husband. I’ve never given birth to a child. I’ve never lived with a man over six months. I am 54. I’m not classically pretty. I’m overweight. I’m not very tall. My brother says I’m a unicorn. My friends are kind enough not to make me feel small. My mother mentions in passing that she wants me to find a husband. I try not to be sad about my state. I’ve lived a life that some would find enviable. I had my dream job, met and interviewed great people, made great friends, and traveled all over the world. I have a new career that I find oddly fulfilling. Men don’t always like that. Some of them are jealous because I’m not easily impressed. Some are jealous because I’ve done things they haven’t. Some are jealous because I’ve lived on both coasts. I don’t know what to do. I can’t change my life – not that I want to. I can’t change my past – not that I want to. I can’t change myself –not that I want to. I just want someone to see me, not the image I present. I want...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th...
5 comments
Read more