Skip to main content
Like I said before, the grief over losing New Boo comes and goes. It was gone for a few days, but now it's back with a vengeance.

I haven't heard from him since Monday. That makes me so sad. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it. I don't feel like we're friends because of all that's transpired between us. But I'm still concerned about him.

Honestly, I think he's probably found the next chick, which is why I don't rank high on his list of priorities. As painful as it is to think, knowing him...it's probably true.

But here's my reality -- I'm not through loving him.

I've dated guys that I was through with by the time it was over. I had my emotions neatly packed away, so all was well when I left. Because of the way this thing went down, I didn't have that opportunity.

Now I'm out here...emotions flapping in the wind.

And please know -- I'm well aware that there's no going back once a man says, "I like you. I like doing things with you. But I don't want to be in a committed relationship with you."

I do get it. At least I do fundamentally.

But logistically, I'm not through with him. I haven't grown tired of looking at his face. I look forward to seeing him come in the door. I really miss that. I want to cook for him. All the habits I picked up with him, I want to continue those.

But I can't. Because he's gone. And I'm not through yet.

I have more meals to cook. More TV shows to watch with him. More Taco Tuesdays to enjoy.

I'm not through. But he's definitely through with me.

So I fight the tears as long as I can, and then I let them flow when I'm alone at night trying to understand why I'm alone again. How I can reconcile the fact that I put my all into something only to have it crash and burn again.

I feel like the kid who wants to play so badly, but has no one to play with. No one wants to be my friend, and I don't understand why. I'm a person like everyone else, but I'm destined to be alone right now.

And it hurts like hell. I wish I'd never given my heart. But I did. And now...I'm not through.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.