Skip to main content
Like I said before, the grief over losing New Boo comes and goes. It was gone for a few days, but now it's back with a vengeance.

I haven't heard from him since Monday. That makes me so sad. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it. I don't feel like we're friends because of all that's transpired between us. But I'm still concerned about him.

Honestly, I think he's probably found the next chick, which is why I don't rank high on his list of priorities. As painful as it is to think, knowing him...it's probably true.

But here's my reality -- I'm not through loving him.

I've dated guys that I was through with by the time it was over. I had my emotions neatly packed away, so all was well when I left. Because of the way this thing went down, I didn't have that opportunity.

Now I'm out here...emotions flapping in the wind.

And please know -- I'm well aware that there's no going back once a man says, "I like you. I like doing things with you. But I don't want to be in a committed relationship with you."

I do get it. At least I do fundamentally.

But logistically, I'm not through with him. I haven't grown tired of looking at his face. I look forward to seeing him come in the door. I really miss that. I want to cook for him. All the habits I picked up with him, I want to continue those.

But I can't. Because he's gone. And I'm not through yet.

I have more meals to cook. More TV shows to watch with him. More Taco Tuesdays to enjoy.

I'm not through. But he's definitely through with me.

So I fight the tears as long as I can, and then I let them flow when I'm alone at night trying to understand why I'm alone again. How I can reconcile the fact that I put my all into something only to have it crash and burn again.

I feel like the kid who wants to play so badly, but has no one to play with. No one wants to be my friend, and I don't understand why. I'm a person like everyone else, but I'm destined to be alone right now.

And it hurts like hell. I wish I'd never given my heart. But I did. And now...I'm not through.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Middle Aged Rant

I am single. I’ve never had a husband. I’ve never given birth to a child. I’ve never lived with a man over six months. I am 54. I’m not classically pretty. I’m overweight. I’m not very tall. My brother says I’m a unicorn. My friends are kind enough not to make me feel small. My mother mentions in passing that she wants me to find a husband. I try not to be sad about my state. I’ve lived a life that some would find enviable. I had my dream job, met and interviewed great people, made great friends, and traveled all over the world. I have a new career that I find oddly fulfilling. Men don’t always like that. Some of them are jealous because I’m not easily impressed. Some are jealous because I’ve done things they haven’t. Some are jealous because I’ve lived on both coasts. I don’t know what to do. I can’t change my life – not that I want to. I can’t change my past – not that I want to. I can’t change myself –not that I want to. I just want someone to see me, not the image I present. I want...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th...
5 comments
Read more

To Cook or Not to Cook

I was having a discussion with a couple of friends about whether or not a woman should be required to cook for a man. My girlfriend and I pretty much agree that we have to be inspired to bust a move with the pots and pans. In this day and age where the men we've encountered feel entitled to certain privileges, we believe that he has to do more than just call us a couple of times and come over to kick it to earn a MackDiva-licious meal. On the flip side, the brother we were talking to said he didn't really want to get serious with a woman whose idea of a culinary feat was tacos. We asked him whether he'd cook for his woman. His response? "Well, if I really wanted to impress her, I'd throw it down with my jerk chicken recipe." Upon further examination, we discovered that his need to impress was in direct correlation to some form of inspiration from the woman. At the end of the day, both men and women want a lot of the same things. However, because we speak diffe...
Post a Comment
Read more