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Making Love

Making love is an inaccurate term. Contrary to popular belief, love isn't manufactured in times of physical nakedness.

Love comes when people get emotionally naked with each other and share their souls. It happens when two people become vulnerable with each other. They create a safe, trusting space to become one in spirit, and each person's sense of loyalty allows them to keep the other's sensitive information under lock and key.

The more I think about what the problem was with New Boo, I realize we never made love. We had sex and I loved him. I can't say for sure that he loved me, but I know together we didn't have the kind of sustaining love we needed to make it last.

I was willing to bare my soul to him and I did. He made it seem like the space was safe. He shared things with me, too, but he was never vulnerable to me. And he never reciprocated the love I gave to him.

During our first few blissful months, I remember feeling that he wasn't as affectionate with me as he wanted me to be with him. I wanted him to touch me like I touched him. I think I told him about it, but it never really changed.

Here's what's funny to me. One of his homeboys is getting married this weekend. The guy met the girl through his brother, and they talked via Skype for a couple of months. When he went home, he met the girl in person and within two weeks, he had proposed. 

New Boo was like, "There's no way those two are getting married. He doesn't know her well enough." He lied to get out of being the guy's best man, and he was convinced that it wasn't gonna happen. He just knew that we'd tied the knot before they did. 

Now look at us. He saw me every day and he decided that I wasn't worth it. And he knew how much I loved him.

Again...they clearly were making love -- even long-distance. We slept in the same bed every night and couldn't get it right.


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I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…


So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.