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Is It Me?

I know I will get past the sinking feeling I have when I think of New Boo. It's like the bottom of my heart falls out everything he crosses my mind.

No matter how many times I hear him saying, "It's not you, it's me," in my mind, I can't help but pick myself apart. I don't want to...but it's inevitable.

Was I not pretty enough? Did I not keep a clean enough house? Did I really ask too much from him? Was I just not worth it to him?

I think that's the question that haunts me...that I'm not worth it. Because if he felt that way, maybe that's why I'm still single after all this time. Maybe every guy I've ever dated said, "She's okay, but she's not worth the effort it would take to be with her."

No one wants to feel that way -- me included -- but there comes a point in your life where you have to look at yourself with a critical eye to figure out why every relationship goes wrong. I'm not stupid enough to believe that I'm the pristine saint and EVERY guy is the devil. Something else is going on, and I just don't know what it is.

I just want to be normal again. I want to be MackDiva again. Is that too much to ask?

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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.