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Is It Me?

I know I will get past the sinking feeling I have when I think of New Boo. It's like the bottom of my heart falls out everything he crosses my mind.

No matter how many times I hear him saying, "It's not you, it's me," in my mind, I can't help but pick myself apart. I don't want to...but it's inevitable.

Was I not pretty enough? Did I not keep a clean enough house? Did I really ask too much from him? Was I just not worth it to him?

I think that's the question that haunts me...that I'm not worth it. Because if he felt that way, maybe that's why I'm still single after all this time. Maybe every guy I've ever dated said, "She's okay, but she's not worth the effort it would take to be with her."

No one wants to feel that way -- me included -- but there comes a point in your life where you have to look at yourself with a critical eye to figure out why every relationship goes wrong. I'm not stupid enough to believe that I'm the pristine saint and EVERY guy is the devil. Something else is going on, and I just don't know what it is.

I just want to be normal again. I want to be MackDiva again. Is that too much to ask?

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UGH!

I can NOT believe what happened today.

I heard from New Boo. After five months.

I had blocked his number. He got a new one. He texted me. I didn't know it was him until he said, "It's your favorite 6'5."

Why?

Why did he call? Why did I talk to him? Why did we fall into a conversation like nothing ever happened? And why do I feel crazy?

He does not want to be in my life. I don't want him in my life -- not unless he wants to REALLY be in my life.

I wish I could reconcile my heart with the facts. I hate that he's put me in this position.

Why can't he love me like I need him to?

Ugh.