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Delayed Clarity...or Why I Did Something Stupid

I guess the question that's uppermost in my mind right now is WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

I already know that New Boo is not to be trusted. So why did I let him come over? Why did I allow him in my bed?

That's been the sum total of my thoughts since it happened, and I realized what the problem is.

I have not been honest with him.

I have not told him that I know that he's been telling people that I pressed for our relationship. He doesn't know I know that he told people I made him meet my mom -- apparently he didn't really want to, but he never said that to me. And he has no clue that I know he told his friends that he was "taking care of home" all those months.

According to what HE thinks I know, this shouldn't be such a big deal. We should be able to eventually bounce back to where we were -- or at least somewhere close. I should be able to forgive him fairly easily.

But I know much more than he thinks I do. Now I think it's time for him to get a real picture of what he's done to me.  If he really wants to be with me, he needs to know exactly what he's up against.  At this point, all of his words to me are just that -- words. They don't mean a damn thing to me because I know he's liable to use other words to describe what's going on with us to others. And that makes me mad and distrustful.

To be honest, I don't know if we need to try again. As much as I loved him before, I can't really say that I love him like that now. After all, he's lied so much that I wonder if HE knows the truth. He claims that his newly-found sobriety has brought him clarity. I believe that he's worn out his welcome all over town and he realizes that the people he THOUGHT were on his side aren't as down for him as I was. And since he's been so nasty and duplicitous with me, he's on the verge of losing me, too.

But because I once had love for him -- and it's not completely gone -- I'm going to open up and be honest with him one last time. If he responds favorably, maybe there'll be a chance for us. If not, I will bid him adieu and wish him well with the next chick he victimizes.


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The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…