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Enough

I hope you got enough.

When I submitted my fragile heart to you...again...and you trampled over it...again....

I hope you got enough.

When you got my hopes up...again...that you might actually be worth the time it took to say your name...again...

I hope you got enough.

When you were deep inside me...exciting my body and touching my soul the way only you can because of the love we've shared before...

I hope you got enough.

When you treated me like a friend, or at least someone you liked...again...

I hope you got enough.

Because I did. I got enough.

I got enough pain, heartache, and tears to last me a lifetime. And for the first time a long time, I'm putting the broken pieces of my heart together with something other than your lies and promises that never seem to come true.

I got enough.

I've reached my limit of excusing your behavior...of blaming myself for your actions. It's not my fault that our relationship -- the one you love to refer to -- is broken. You walked awa…
Recent posts

The Problem...

My therapist helped me find the root of my issues.

Rejection.

Pretty much everything I've ever done is tied to my deep-seated fear of rejection. And if I let my mind wander, it goes back to my earliest memories.

When I was little and my grandmother told me that not everyone would love me.

When I was five, I tried to find a dad among my mom's friends. I figured you could just ask someone to be your father. Who knew biology was involved?

When we moved back to Texas and the kids teased me for the way I talked. They said I was "proper" and "thought I was White."

My therapist told me a few weeks ago that I had tolerated too many things. Now I see why...because of my fear of being rejected.

Now I have to figure out how to fix that. Ugh..

A Season

Sin is only good for a season. I'm at the end of mine.

I finally allowed Juice to have what he wanted. And guess what? It was good for me, too. Honestly, it was the first time in forever that someone satisfied me as much -- or at least in a comparable fashion -- as New Boo. I thought I'd found my placebo drug.

Then I got greedy. I wanted it again -- this time on my terms. I picked the spot and we went. When it was over, I looked around the beautiful room in the beautiful part of town and got sad. I didn't want to be with him. He has the personality of paint drying...with the penis of Dirk Digler. I can't do it. I swear.

New Boo is an awful, awful man. He doesn't want to be with me. He wants to use me for his convenience. That's all it'll ever be now.

There are times when I'd rather have a portion of his time to pretend that there's love there. I know there's not, but I can paint that picture in my brain. I can make myself believe that he still w…

What I Want...

I want a family of my own.

I want a husband who'll provide for me and have my back. Someone who wants to be with me and me alone. A person who sees me and still thinks I'm a good idea.

I want someone I can dream with. Someone who won't think I'm crazy or stupid because I'm afraid of bugs. Someone who'll be willing to go on adventures with me and introduce me to new things.

I want someone to love me.

Is that really too much to ask?

I sometimes wonder how I made it all the way to 46 with no permanent man on the horizon. Yes, I realize that's not the only thing to life, but I swear to you, it's something I want and feel like I need.

I want babies, too. (Since I'm telling you what I want, I might as well put it all out there.) More than one. I want to shape human beings with my loving husband by my side.

I want my life to mean something to the world. I want to leave something behind besides bills.

I want to live in a great condo -- if I don't have k…

In My Feelings, the Charlottesville Edition

I have never felt so small and insignificant in all my life.

We have put a man in the White House who absolutely cares NOTHING about people of color. I'm not stupid enough to be believe that he's the first one. I'm not stupid enough to believe he's the only one. But until now, I never thought I'd see the day where this level of racism would be on display for the world to see.

I am sickened.

The last time I felt quite this bad about racism was back in 1989. I was out with my friends on a Friday night when something jumped off. The cops pulled out their rifles and made the boys lay face down on the ground. It wasn't anything that warranted that type of response, but that's what they did.

I was 18 years old and it scared me to death.

Now, almost 30 years later, we're seeing the same thing...but on a much larger scale. What kind of country are we living in when white supremacists are marching around unmasked? At least the KKK of old had the decency to hide …

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

"It's Us..."

I hate it when New Boo reminds me of our time together. It happened tonight.

We were chatting about our day and getting ready to sign off. When I said good night to him -- calling him by his name -- he called me a name we'd come up with when we were together. He's the only one who calls me that.

I said, "Damn," and send a cringing emoji. He was like, "Sorry. Old joke." I said, "I'm giggling, but I hate you." He replied, "Don't. It's us."

Completely slayed me. I was NOT prepared. My heart sank within me and the tears sprang to my eyes.

I honestly wish he wouldn't bring stuff like that up. After all, it's HIS fault that we aren't together. If I'd had my way, we never would've broken up. I'd never know My Teddy Bear, and we would be happily together.

But no. That's not where we are. And honestly, I sometimes hate him for this.

If I'm really honest, it's not him I hate. It's myself.

I hate …