Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Caught in an Angle of Song...

That's one of my favorite lines from Love Jones, and it sums up my feelings right now. I'm listening to Leslie Odom Jr. today. If you love great singing and beautiful music, you definitely need to get into this one. As a wonderful (?) bonus, it's got me all in my feelings. While there, I came to an uncomfortable realization.

I'm lonely.

Even though I'm dating My Teddy Bear, I spend way too much time by myself. He calls during the day, but it's on his breaks and when he's on the bus. We don't have substantive conversations about things that matter to me. When we have "serious" conversations, they usually consist of him either bitching and moaning because of something I want him to do, or him telling me what activity he wants to do.

I miss having someone who's interested in the same things I am. I miss having someone I can tell my secrets to without feeling like I'll be ridiculed. I feel like I'm adrift all the time, which wouldn't bother me if I was single. But I'm not.

That's why I find myself thinking about and pining for New Boo. That's not cool at all, but it's the reality of my life.

One of my favorite songs on this album is Love Look Away. It addresses the emotion like an annoying  person. "Love, look away from me. Fly when you pass my door. Fly and get lost at sea. Call it a day. Love, let us say we're through. No good are you for me. No good am I for you." But line that sends me in is, "Wanting you so, I try too much. After you go, I cry too much." The chorus says, "Love, look away -- lonely though I may be. Leave me and set me free. Look away from me." And Leslie's buttery tenor brings it together in fine fashion.

I'm IN a relationship, and my heart is so sore that I can't stand it. Ugh!

Sunday, January 8, 2017

When You Know...

How do you know when it's really over? When you realize he has no care for you. He may show you every day by his absence, but it's not real for you until you look in his eyes and SEE it.

That's what happened to me last night.

Sure, New Boo has been gone for almost two years. Yes, he hasn't made any real efforts to get us back to where we were. And he absolutely doesn't ask me who I'm sleeping with. And yet when we made plans to grab a drink for his birthday, I thought we were going to discuss our future.

Boy, was I wrong.

We did get together. We did have a drink. But I was just a stop on his way to his real party with his boys. In fact, the only reason he did that was so that he could keep his word to me. For once.

No matter how hurt I am, I have no way to blame him for that. He didn't give me anything to make me believe that he wanted me back. He didn't imply or allude to anything like that.

It was all in my head.

One day I'm going to forget that this was the man who slept on the floor of my rented room because he wanted to be with me like that. I'll forget the coffee cup he bought me because I was sad about not being able to get pregnant when we were together. I'll stop seeing him walking out on the roof to help the cable guys get our TV situation straight. And even though he reminded me last night, I'll forget the guy who held personal grooming sessions with me.

Honestly, and I didn't realize it for real until this moment, dealing with New Boo for me at this moment is really an all-or-nothing proposition if I want to keep my heart intact. Because of the level of love I had for him, I can't accept anything less from him in return. I can't be casual with him because my love was and is too formal for him. I wish we could be friends. I really do. But being friends with him isn't friendly to my heart.

I'm going to have to cut him out of life. Again. This time, I can't go back on it. I have to move forward. Again.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Tick-Tock...

My Teddy Bear doesn't realize it, but his days are numbered. I care for him too much to keep him in my sick and twisted fantasy.

He doesn't deserve what I'm putting him through -- even if he doesn't know what's going on.

And what is going on, you ask? I'm not in love with him.

He's a great guy -- no doubt. But the love I had for him died a slow, painful death in the midst of lies, manipulations, and no sex. If that makes me sound superficial, I'm sorry.

Trust me when I tell you that I tried. Lord knows I did. I did everything I possibly could to make things good. I tried to understand when he told me that sex wasn't the only way to be intimate. I checked my emotions when he told me that the way I relayed information was too roundabout to be good for him. I shut up when he shut down my ideas, thoughts, feelings. I really did.

Now there's nothing left. But I care for him too much to hurt him right now.

Of course, one could argue that everyday I make him think that what we have can last is one more day that'll hurt him. And they'd probably be right.

I'm just as wrong as New Boo was when he lived with me and wouldn't come home. And I hate myself for it.

Some days I think we can work it out. I haven't completely abandoned that idea, actually.

I think if I lay my case out to him, he might come around. Or he may accuse me of being too superficial...too selfish and self-centered...to be worthy of his love.

Either way...something's got to give. I'm not getting any younger and neither is he. We both deserve to be happy -- even if it's not with each other.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Flashback...

I am remembering love.

I realize I don't have it now.

Two years ago, I was in love. Truly, madly, deeply. There was no question about my feelings or my allegiances. I was all in -- heart, mind, and soul. The connection New Boo and I had at this time two years ago was so deep, so strong, so everything it needed to be that I thought it would never be broken.

Five months later, it was.

Now, we're not friends and barely lovers. I realize he's trying to purge me from his system. He never trusted me and my love for him, and now he's trying to get rid of me. He's trying to make me the slut he needs me to be so he can walk away from me and say, "She was no good anyway. She didn't deserve me."

And I've been letting him. I'm proving to him that I'm not worth it. I'm whoring around with him the way he always thought I was when we were together.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Glutton For Punishment

Just when I think I can't punish myself anymore, I do.

New Boo hadn't reached out. I wasn't supposed to reach out, either. But I forgot.

I forgot that I don't need to talk to him. I don't need to hear his voice. I don't need him weighing in on my life. I don't need him at all.

But I do need him. Maybe I always will.

And is it that I need him, or I just want him more than I need to? I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel so much better when I know he's okay or I know I can talk to him.

Until I don't. Until I realize that there's no point to us talking. All that happens is that I get upset and I cry because he's the one I gave my heart to, only to have him shatter it in 15 million pieces.

The killer is that I keep doing it. How insane is that?

None of this would be happening if My Teddy Bear hadn't left me emotionally adrift.

Oh, I finally figured out what's wrong with us. He doesn't like me. He likes -- even loves -- the idea of me. But the actuality of who I am? Not so much.

At the end of any given day, we all wonder if we're enough. If someone can see past all of the drama of us and love us anyway.

I thought New Boo did, but I was wrong. Now I know that My Teddy Bear doesn't, and it makes me sad.

I just don't want to end up alone, or worse, in a situation with someone I don't want as I pine for someone that I do want.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Finally

My Teddy Bear came through. Literally.

I don't know if he finally got his medical issue together, or if someone told him that I was considering someone else, or what, but he came here like a man with something to prove.

He spent the weekend proving it to me. I got it.

Now I'm back at square one.

Honestly, I forgot how much I enjoy him. There's a reason I date him -- and it's NOT just because I don't have better things to do.

I tried to express to him how much I was enjoying him and how we need to keep this up. All he could say was, "You don't have to keep bringing it up."

Ugh.

Anyway...we had a great time.

My heart is still kinda whacked out, though. Now that I remember what the love was actually about, I'm glad. And I know that if I want to, I can and will move past New Boo.

Let's see how long MTB can keep up the good work...