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Ah Ha!

I didn't do it. It wasn't entirely my fault. New Boo got a whiff of my new thought process and decided I wasn't worth the trouble. And what was it that rubbed him the wrong way?

I told him that I finally saw Jay-Z in a different light because I could see his grown man thought process. That made him mad because he thought I was "starstruck." Considering what I do for a living, that's the LAST thing on my mind. I told him that I liked the way he made up his mind to move away from the mistakes of his youth. His thought was that he could only do that because he had money.

On the contrary. If Jay still had the same mentality he had as a younger man, he might be rich, but he wouldn't have his family. New Boo wants to use anything as an excuse to be a bum. Not my problem, right?

So the foolishness that almost happened didn't. I'm thankful.

Now I'm recovering from fibroid surgery. This time, it was done right. My doctor said she got every one she saw,…
Recent posts

Oh No...

So...I'm on the verge of doing something extremely stupid. I can stop myself...but I don't know if I will.

First, the backstory...

My best friend from high school died. She was 46. Her mother told me that her diabetes had made her heart bad. On March 18th, she stopped breathing.

I would love to say that my friend lived a charmed life, but she didn't. And the fact that she left three children and more questions than answers has vexed me more than I need. The funeral was sad, to say the least. Honestly, I'm pretty hurt about it.

Normally, I would just scream, cry, and try to understand the meaning of life. But this time, I can't.

My roommate's mom died at the same time. She was 73 years old, and she had suffered for the past three years. Honestly, I'm surprised she lived as long as she did. But she was a fighter, and death was a welcome reward for her and a relief for those who loved her.

So here I am, living in a house with someone who just lost her mom. See…

UGH!

I can NOT believe what happened today.

I heard from New Boo. After five months.

I had blocked his number. He got a new one. He texted me. I didn't know it was him until he said, "It's your favorite 6'5."

Why?

Why did he call? Why did I talk to him? Why did we fall into a conversation like nothing ever happened? And why do I feel crazy?

He does not want to be in my life. I don't want him in my life -- not unless he wants to REALLY be in my life.

I wish I could reconcile my heart with the facts. I hate that he's put me in this position.

Why can't he love me like I need him to?

Ugh.

Deferred...Denied?

I want babies. I know that's not what a 47-year-old woman should say, but it's true. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a mini-me. I want to take someone shopping, teach them to read, spank them when they need it. I want to be a mother.
Although I'm not a slouch in any department, this is one thing I haven't been able to achieve. Because I want a husband to go along with a baby, I have been locked out of the 'hood. Motherhood, that is. And matrimony...but we're not talking about that right now.
I have tried to reconcile myself to the fact that babies may not be in my future. I really have. When I was with New Boo and My Teddy Bear, I considered procreation with them just to have the family I wanted. (I'm SO thankful that God didn't do that to me.) I've been doing pretty good. 
Then this happened...
The fibroids are back. Apparently I have several, and two of them are large. So big, in fact, that my doctor said that my uterus is the size of six-mo…

For My Friend...

I miss her.

Even though it's been almost 25 years since my friend was snatched away from me in the most heinous fashion I could possible imagine, I still think of her.

She was so much fun. We would giggle for hours on end about any and everything. We were so young. Life was just beginning for us, and we couldn't wait to get out and live it.

She never made it out.

A guy she liked -- one I introduced her to -- made an executive decision to take her life because she wouldn't give up her TV for his drug habit. How I wish she would've let the TV go. If we'd known then how the medium would devolve, she would have.

She missed everything.

The internet, two-way pagers, text messages, social media, smartphones, aging...she was gone before any of that came into play.

There are times I wonder how she'd be. Would we still be friends or would our relationship go the way of so many college friendships? Would she be married with kids? Would she be a successful superwoman with …

Dear Mr. NextLove...

Dear Mr. NextLove,

Somewhere, God is getting you ready for me. You'll be able to love me in all of my glory and mess, and you won't judge me. You'll see who I am and what I'm worth.
No matter what things look like today, there will come a day when you will see me as your sun, moon, and stars. You will look at me, look for me, and look to me as your everything.
Mr, NextLove, I will see you and my heart will skip a beat. You'll be my hero, my love, and my heart rolled up into one. I'll stand united with you and I'll always have your back. I will be your peace, your sounding board, and your friend.
When it gets right down to it, I have a lot of expectations for you, Mr. NextLove. But know this -- I have a lot to offer you. You won't just get a pretty face. You'll get a woman of substance who knows what it is to be with and without, and I'll know how to walk with you through all of that. I won't be the bane of your existence. I'll do my best…

Yeah...About That...

I'm watching Scandal, and Mellie was talking about how lonely it is to be the president. She spoke about how men have a problem with regular powerful women, but being the leader of the free world comes with a chastity belt.
I get it.
I'm nowhere near the leader of the free world. I'm not even the leader of free lunch, but I get it. If men perceive you to have one more drop of power than they do, they can't handle it.
This is my life. At least it is when it comes to the men I've known.
It's not even like that for me.
I don't even have enough juice to get what I want at work.
But yet I'm seen as intimidating. 
Yeah...right.