Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Why, Lawd!

The Bible says that His grace is sufficient for thee. But when I think about how those parents must feel when their children are gunned down in the street by dirty cops, I can't imagine how much grace is needed.

I'm so thankful that my family and I haven't been touched by that kind of violence. But I'm not stupid enough to think that it's not possible. That's the scary part. No matter what we're doing or not doing, being or not being, the color of our skin makes us a target. It shouldn't be that way.

They say that Black people are more violent. They treat women like animals -- not like the delicate flowers they are. All because their skin isn't alabaster.

There was a time you only had to worry about the criminals. Now the cops are declaring open season on us. There's nothing more disheartening than being targeted as violent by those whose sole purpose is to protect and serve.

And when the worst happens, where do we go for justice? It's been proven time and time again that the courts won't even consider the evidence. They only want to exonerate the officers.

What kills me is that they kill our kids and get mad when we protest. Are we just supposed to take the gunning down of our people lying down? Is that what Donald Trump and others mean when they say making America great again? Are they trying to take us all back to a time when it WAS okay to kill Blacks for sport?

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.

I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.

But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 

I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.

You don't try. You never have. When you had a chance to turn this thing around, you didn't. When I would've been completely open to whatever you wanted, you didn't even try to make a case for  yourself. Why I thought you'd start now is beyond me.

Your way is to hide out until you think I've forgotten your true nature. Sadly, it worked this time. I was so frustrated in my current situation that I thought -- foolishly -- that you might offer me some sort of reprieve.

Silly me.

You are like the snake on the mountain. I'm sure you've heard the story. The little boy saw the snake, who asked him to take him up the hill. The boy was like, oh no, you'll bite me. The snake convinced him that he wouldn't, and the boy believed him. Sure enough, he picked up the snake, took him up the mountain, and got bit when he reached the top. The boy was like, "Why did you do that? You promised that you wouldn't." The snake looked up at the child and said, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."

That's you. I knew what you were when I put myself out there. So that's on me. But guess what? I'm done. No matter what happens past this day, know that you won't be involved with me on any level. 

Thank you so much for reminding of who you really are. Now kindly slither back to your hole in the ground and never bother me again.



In Pursuit of Simplicity

I sometimes wish for a simpler time. Back when there were no bills, no credit reports, no jobs. A time when I could escape within the pages of a book for hours.

Our parents would live forever and we were safe in our neighborhoods. The only thing we worried about was whether we were gonna get caught doing something we weren't supposed to do.

How I long for those days now.

I'm supposed to see New Boo tonight. I know I shouldn't, but he asked and I want to. My friends don't want me to go, and I know it would break My Teddy Bear's heart. But I want to know what he could possibly have to say after all this time.

Basically, my heart needs to see if its made the right decision taking up with MTB. And I hate that I feel this way.

Even though I spent the last year putting myself back together, there's still a bit of my heart that's holding out hope. There's still a part of me that wants to be with the man who orchestrated the worst heartbreak of my life.

What the hell is wrong with me?

My friends say I'm a glutton for punishment. I think they might be right.

There's still time for me to change my mind. But if I don't, I know I will forever wonder what could've been.


Monday, July 25, 2016

Uh Oh...

When New Boo and I broke up, he said, "As long as we're both alive, there'll be a chance for us." Now that My Teddy Bear is on the scene, it's unlikely.

But now New Boo wants to see me.

I kinda want to see him, too.

Here's the deal. I gave New Boo my heart. My whole heart. And he broke it -- and me -- in 20 million different pieces. Crushed it, actually. Even though I didn't want to, I gave him everything The Man Formerly Known as The One -- who will now be known as RIP -- earned. I know it was crazy, but in hindsight that's exactly what I did. That's why I think I took it so hard when we broke up. I was mourning what I had with both of them. Since RIP died, I invested everything in New Boo.

When he broke me, I had to regroup and put myself together. MTB has been a big part of that process, but not every part. And there's still a part of me that wants to know for sure if I'm completely over him. I can't do that unless I see him. It's been a year.

Seeing him could do two things -- confirm that I'm completely over him...or open up old, unresolved feelings.

The way I see it, if I don't meet him in a controlled environment, I might see him when I'm not ready. That would be worse, in my opinion.

I just don't know...

Sunday, May 22, 2016

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. He wouldn't let me get emotional at the time.

For someone to do that just because is amazing to me. It's not like he was gonna really benefit from it, but he knew it was important to me.

THAT's what love really looks like. Not the fairytale foolishness I thought before.

He always says that I live in a John Hughes movie in my head. Maybe I do, but he brought his practical brand of love into my life and I am so glad he did.

MTB is a geek to his heart, and he told me that he was gonna give me a mutant name. I won't share it here because a) it was kinda gross, and b) I don't remember it. But what I DO remember is what I'll forever call him.

My personal superhero.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

I'm Learning Today

Learning who and what you are is an interesting endeavor. It would be nice if we could do it alone, but most times, it takes someone else to help you see.

For me, this person is My Teddy Bear.

His patient nature -- much like still waters -- lets me see things I never saw before. We had a discussion about sex, intimacy, and the like and I realized something -- I've been doing this all wrong, and for the wrong reasons.

I haven't been sharing about this, but I'm dealing with some health issues. At this point, surgery is on the table and I'm kinda scared. The doctor says there's nothing to worry about, but if I'm honest, it's more than just the invasion of my body. It's the attack on my womanhood.

MTB has been walking with me during this entire ordeal, and he has been wonderful. No matter how much I miss the delusion of what I had with New Boo, I know he wouldn't have been ready for this. When we talked about my issue with sex, he told me that in some ways, it's what I identify with as a woman.

I hadn't thought about it, but when I did, he was right. Throughout the years, I haven't exactly been the woman I was raised to be. While my mother and grandmother knew how to take care of a house and a family, I didn't. I used to pay someone to clean my house, and I was probably more acquainted with my microwave than any one person should be. When the question of who could be a wife and mother came up, my name was never on the list.

The one thing I could do was have sex. Not to brag, but I'm good at it. I know exactly what it takes to please a man. Now...I couldn't feed him and he'd probably have to move things over to get comfortable, but that was secondary. And since the guys I dealt with weren't about much, they were cool with it.

Enter The Man Formerly Known as The One and New Boo. They both wanted something more from me, and I was determined to give it to them. I learned how to clean and to cook and to be the domestic diva I thought I needed to be. And yet...they STILL didn't give me what I wanted -- the ring and the title. In TMFKATO's defense, he had an addiction that eventually took his life. Maybe if he'd been operating from a place of wholeness, things might have been different. New Boo was about that get-over life, but I didn't know it until it was too late. With him, it was necessary for me to be "dickmatized" for his diabolical plan to work.

So now I'm with MTB, and he's a completely different breed. One I don't understand or identify with. I love him to death, but if I say I get him all the time, I'd be lying. I don't. But I want to because I know he's the best thing to happen to me in forever.

But as I usually do, I over-think. I project my stupidness on him and look at him like he's not right. And he's done nothing wrong. My big thing is that what I'm going through is taking me through things I don't want to deal with. I figure f I don't want to be bothered, why should he? He was like, "Don't make decisions for me." He then proceeded to reiterate to me what he told me on our first date -- that he knew what he wanted. Me. In all my insanity and whatnot. He loves me dearly, he said, and he wants to be with me.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought him into my life.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Now What?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we did. Maybe it's more accurate to say that I was really connected to him. He clearly wasn't connected enough to me to stay.

Either way, every time we slept together, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. I've never felt that way before. Or since.

Which brings me back to my current situation.

I love MTB. I do. But I don't have the connection with him that I had with NB. I don't know that I ever will. And it makes me sad.

What I'm realizing is that New Boo broke me so completely that I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. He took so much from me -- my heart, my love, my faith. And let me say this -- I gave it to him. I don't know that he even asked for all that I gave.

Now MTB wants things from me. And while I thought I had it to give, I don't know that I do. He told me that I don't have faith. He's probably right. I gave it all to my last situation, and now I don't have anything left. That's not his fault. It's all mine.

I just didn't know. I'd never been broken before.

In this putting-back together process, I'm realizing that I still need things. I need to feel cared for and loved. MTB does those things. No matter what, I know he loves me. But I also need to feel desired. That's where the problem is. He says that there are other ways to be intimate. I know he's right, but I don't want that. I want him to screw my brains out. Literally.

What am I gonna do?