Saturday, September 17, 2016

Earning It

I told you that My Teddy Bear had spent the entire summer trying to convince me that there were other ways to be intimate and that I was "wrong" to want sex all the time. Ultimately his problem was low testosterone.

When he told me, I was a little upset. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" He was like, "I didn't know how."

This is the same man who told me that trust was "earned and not given," and he asked me for the opportunity to "earn my trust." After all this time, I realized that he didn't trust me.

Now true -- I didn't ask to earn it, but I can't believe that he doesn't know that I'm trustworthy. I try my best to be as good to him as I know how to be. In spite of the fact that he doesn't give me Vitamin D on a regular basis, I'm always here for him and by happenstance, I didn't cheat on him.

(I know he doesn't know about the latter, but that's not the point.)

The point is that he's grossly underestimated me as a person. Yes, I've been upset about the way this thing has been going down, but guess what -- I'm still his girlfriend. I'm not going to make him feel bad about a condition he's going through. I needed to know so that I wouldn't be feeling some kinda way about myself.

When I told him that, he said it made him feel bad. Guess what? You have to feel bad for doing something totally asinine and evil. There's just no way around it.

And this, too, is a part of love. When you love someone, you have to understand who and what they are in every setting. It's easy to feel loved when everything is going well. But it's when your life is raggedly and hanging in the balance that you really get to know who's on your side and on your team.

He's proven that he's on my team. I didn't realize that I hadn't done that for him.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Nothing By Chance...

Has it ever occurred to you
That nothing occurs to God?
He knows the end from the beginning.
And you'll never catch Him off-guard.
There's no need to be dismayed.
Our God is already made a way.

- Brian Courtney Wilson, "Nothing Occurs to God"

That's been the sum total of my thoughts this week. Inasmuch as I'm completely baffled by what's going on around me, I know that He knows. And THAT makes all of this bearable.

And what's been going on lately? Let's see...
  • I was supposed to have surgery to treat my painful periods. It was postponed...because my period started.
  • My boyfriend finally revealed to me that his testosterone is low. He's spent the entire summer trying to convince me that sex isn't the only way to be intimate and that I was wrong to want it.
  • My boss is a petty trick that makes me want to slap her in the mouth. Hypothetically, of course. 
When this song came into my life, I just broke down and cried. I realized -- yet again -- that I'm not in this alone and whatever is happening is for a reason. And as much as I'd like to know what it is, the point is that He knows, He cares, and He has a plan for me. Now I've just got to get on-board.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

That Day

Fifteen years.

That's 180 months; 5,478 days. 131,472 hours. 7,888,320 minutes.

I've lived, loved, lost, loved again. Relocated more times than I care to admit.

And yet, that day never leaves my mind. It has become a part of my DNA.

Reading stories from people who lost loved ones on that tragic day still brings tears to my eyes. I still don't find myself rushing down to Ground Zero. I still don't trust life away from home without my phone.

As I look out from my place in the Bronx, I see the same blue sky I saw 15 years ago. The eyes I looked with then could see without assistance and thought our country, though deeply flawed, was safe.

I'm older now. Wiser. My eyes can't see anything clearly without progressive lenses. My safety as a woman and an American is threatened every day. As a Black person, it's doubly threatened because things can happen to me that'll never be prosecuted. Even though my life matters, this country doesn't understand how much.

Even though it's hard, I still have hope. Not in America, though. I have hope in a God Who loves me.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Another Delay

There are times when I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. This is one of those times.

I was supposed to have surgery to clear up my issue with fibroids and uterine polyps. It's an issue I've been battling for about ten years, but this year has been especially brutal. Everything was set. My fill-in person was set, my boss had been notified, and all I had to do was complete a few tasks for my second job and get my house ready. Then, the bombshell...

My period came.

While that's NEVER pleasant news -- especially when you're dealing with fibroids and uterine polyps -- I wasn't overly alarmed. After all, I thought it would be the last time I'd have to deal with this particular pain and suffering.

To be on the safe side, I called my doctor to make sure everything could still proceed. Guess what? It can't.

That means that even though my fill-in person was in place, My Teddy Bear had taken off work to get me home, and my mom and brother were already starting the prayer line, the surgery won't take place.

So what does that mean? Another delay. I'm too through.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The (Real) Final Straw

So...I thought I had gone through just about every emotion I could with New Boo. I've got a new one now -- complete and utter disgust.

One of my good friends is in town. She was one of the few people who got to meet him when we lived together. So we were catching up, and I was telling her about My Teddy Bear. I described him as being New Boo's polar opposite. She said, "Oh, so he's got home training, he's respectable, and he doesn't try to hit on your friends when you go to the bathroom."

Huh?

She said, "I didn't mention it at the time because we'd all been drinking, and I wasn't exactly sure how to handle it. Besides, I knew y'all wouldn't be together long." And she was right. That happened in March and we were done by June.

Of all the dirty, sneaky, underhanded actions he took, this was the lowest. Up until then, he'd just been someone who didn't work out. Now I know him for the lowlife dog he really is.

I blocked his number for real this time -- and I'm not looking back. He can rot in the pit of Hell for all I care.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Why, Lawd!

The Bible says that His grace is sufficient for thee. But when I think about how those parents must feel when their children are gunned down in the street by dirty cops, I can't imagine how much grace is needed.

I'm so thankful that my family and I haven't been touched by that kind of violence. But I'm not stupid enough to think that it's not possible. That's the scary part. No matter what we're doing or not doing, being or not being, the color of our skin makes us a target. It shouldn't be that way.

They say that Black people are more violent. They treat women like animals -- not like the delicate flowers they are. All because their skin isn't alabaster.

There was a time you only had to worry about the criminals. Now the cops are declaring open season on us. There's nothing more disheartening than being targeted as violent by those whose sole purpose is to protect and serve.

And when the worst happens, where do we go for justice? It's been proven time and time again that the courts won't even consider the evidence. They only want to exonerate the officers.

What kills me is that they kill our kids and get mad when we protest. Are we just supposed to take the gunning down of our people lying down? Is that what Donald Trump and others mean when they say making America great again? Are they trying to take us all back to a time when it WAS okay to kill Blacks for sport?

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.

I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.

But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 

I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.

You don't try. You never have. When you had a chance to turn this thing around, you didn't. When I would've been completely open to whatever you wanted, you didn't even try to make a case for  yourself. Why I thought you'd start now is beyond me.

Your way is to hide out until you think I've forgotten your true nature. Sadly, it worked this time. I was so frustrated in my current situation that I thought -- foolishly -- that you might offer me some sort of reprieve.

Silly me.

You are like the snake on the mountain. I'm sure you've heard the story. The little boy saw the snake, who asked him to take him up the hill. The boy was like, oh no, you'll bite me. The snake convinced him that he wouldn't, and the boy believed him. Sure enough, he picked up the snake, took him up the mountain, and got bit when he reached the top. The boy was like, "Why did you do that? You promised that you wouldn't." The snake looked up at the child and said, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."

That's you. I knew what you were when I put myself out there. So that's on me. But guess what? I'm done. No matter what happens past this day, know that you won't be involved with me on any level. 

Thank you so much for reminding of who you really are. Now kindly slither back to your hole in the ground and never bother me again.

Sincerely,

MackDiva