Tuesday, October 25, 2016


Why don't hearts do what you want? You'd THINK my heart would be on board with someone who wants to love me. But no...my heart wants to revisit the past.

New Boo wants to see me. I want to see him. Ugh.

I have no business seeing him. I know that seeing him won't solve anything. I know that. And yet...

I want to see him SO bad. I know without a doubt that no good can come from it. I don't know if I'll be so disgusted that I start kicking him, or if I'll just dissolve into a puddle of tears. I don't know what would happen.

I've worked so hard to be whole. I don't know that it's worth it for me to risk becoming undone again.

Of course, none of this would be an issue if things were better between me and My Teddy Bear.

That fool doesn't realize just how close he is to being single. I am TIRED of being with a man who thinks sex is optional. I do NOT appreciate it.

I saw a blog today from a divorced guy who's sharing his story to keep other people from getting divorced. Almost everything he talks about applies to MTB. It was almost creepy how similar they are. Check it out here.

Right now...I'm just trying to figure out my life.

Friday, October 21, 2016


I feel like I'm trapped. That's the only way I can describe it.

As much as I know it to be pointless, I still think about New Boo. I still want to be with the person I fell for two years ago. I want him to be the man he made me believe he was. The man of my dreams. Even beyond the aesthetic and physical, he made me feel safe and care for. Even though I now know that it wasn't real, I felt like he guarded my heart.

Now I'm stuck in a situation with a man who would probably move heaven and earth for me -- as long as I don't ask him to. It's always got to be on his terms and in his time. My needs are pointless and irrelevant. He does things like get me a phone case because he knows I don't have one. He'll get my glasses fixed because he knows I'll forget. But when I ask him to make love to me, he says I'm nasty...or that there are other ways to be intimate. Basically, anything that keeps him from having to expend effort beyond what's been allotted to me.

This weekend, we're trying to get the house straight. The critters are still here, but I bombed the place. Now I've REALLY got to get it cleaned out. Plus, my homegirl is talking about moving her stuff in, too. Where is he, you ask? At home. He said, "I'll wait until the manual labor is over." In his eyes, he's already done enough towards this apartment.

I'm not happy. I'm trapped in the gilded cage reserved for girls who tried to do it right. Instead of shaking my tail all over town, I tried my best to live right. I didn't have kids outside of marriage. I worked on my career so that when I got to this age, I'd be able to relax.

Instead, I'm listening to sad songs wishing I could rip my own heart out so it wouldn't beat for the man I can't have.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I Miss You...

It's been five years since you left us, and I still can't get over it. I almost forgot that you weren't here, but when I wanted to check on you, I realized it all over again. Today is your birthday. You would've been 46.

I still think of you. I want to get your opinion on all the things going on in my life. I want to update you on the latest moron who tried to get his mack on...or hear how things are going with you. Who  you've had to put in his or her place. What goofy thing you're tripping off this time.

I want to know what you think of this election. I'd love to hear your impression of Hillary or Donald...how they make you feel. Maybe you'd vote for a third party candidate. Or maybe you wouldn't vote at all and we'd fuss. I'd do my best to make my case for why it would be necessary for you to vote, and you'd blow me off with something like, It won't count anyway.

Wait...I know you wouldn't do that...but I digress...

The point is I miss you. I miss our time together. I miss the possibility of laughing, crying, and getting old with you somewhere in the world. I miss you living, chick.

Happy Birthday, my friend. I miss you.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Just Grab 'Em by the...You Know

When you've been sexually assaulted, you can't dismiss the degrading language used by the GOP nominee as "locker room talk." You just can't.

I can remember the first time I was touched without my permission. I was 12 years old. My best friend lived about 15 miles away from me, but her bus driver lived in my neighborhood. I came up with a great plan to hang out with her after school. Since hers was one of the first stops on the route, I would catch the bus with her, and play until the route was finished. The bus driver would pick me up, and we'd ride back to my house.

All was well until he decided he wanted to "teach me to drive." What it ended up being was a way for him to rub on my budding breasts. He's run his hand up my side until he got to my chest. The first time it happened, I was so confused. I didn't understand what was going on. I think I let it happen a couple more times -- to make sure I wasn't making it up in my head -- and then I got wise and came up with a plan.

My best friend had a sister whose best friend lived around the corner from me. I recruited her to go with me. I figured he couldn't touch both of us. We picked a day and hopped the bus, thinking that everything would be hunky dory. He fixed us, though. He just didn't come back through. I had to call my mom to come pick us up. Needless to say, it was NOT a fun ride home.

This man thought I was cute, and therefore he could just touch me any way he wanted to. He didn't think my neighbor was as cute, so instead of doing what he said he'd do, he just left us both. And just so you know, this bus driver was also a preacher in the town. He's dead now, but I remember feeling so dirty and awful when it happened.

When men dismiss that fool's rhetoric as "locker room talk," it sends two messages. It tells men that it's okay to be disrespectful to women. And it tells women that their feelings, wants, needs, etc. really don't matter because our only reason for existing is to please some man.

Sunday, October 9, 2016


I think I may have broken my relationship with My Teddy Bear. Even though I've been unsatisfied, I wasn't necessarily trying not to be with him. But he saw a side of me yesterday that disgusted him.

I don't know if I told you, but I moved last week. My homegirl's mother --who's in the nursing home -- has a three-bedroom apartment. Rather than continue to pay exorbitant rent apart, we decided to come together and move into her mother's house. Because of logistics, I moved in first. It probably wouldn't have been a problem, but the place has been sitting up unused for a while and certain "undesirable residents" have moved in. For the average person, that probably wouldn't be a problem. For me, however, it is. I am afraid of those types of residents and have been all my life.

We were here trying to get things together yesterday. I'm not sure what MTB wanted me to do, but I told him that this whole experience terrified me. He thought it had something to do with my mother's opinion of the place. That's when I freaked out and told him it wasn't my mother -- it was me and my fear of all non-human creatures. And to all this a monthly cycle that has made me feel disgusting, and I started to cry. The look on his face was one of utter disgust for my weakness.

I get it. In his world, weakness is the worst thing ever. He's the same man who wants me to "push through pain" and any other bothersome thing. I can't discuss things that bother or upset me because, in his eyes, you just have to ignore those things and keep it moving. Maybe that's okay for him, but there are times when I need him to -- in his words -- "coddle" me.

I knew it before, but it didn't hit me until this morning that there will never be a time when I'll be able to share my concerns about the world or whatever else is on my mind with him, and he'll allow me to cry. That was one of the many things that New Boo did that I loved.

That's the thing that I miss most. I felt like I could be my complete self with New Boo -- flaws and fears and all. He made me believe that he loved ME, not the larger-than-life persona that I had to give to everyone else. When I didn't know how I could go on, I felt like he was in my corner and on my side. Clearly that was a lie, but that's how he played it with me.

And that's also the thing that hurts the most. I let him see ME, the uncut version. I showed him places in me that no one else had seen before, and he couldn't handle it. Or rather, he still chose to walk away. He looked at all I had to offer, and said, "Nope. I'm good." I guess the good of me couldn't outweigh the bad of me.

That's always the risk you take, if you're honest, in real relationships. You don't always know that YOU would be with you if given a choice. So when we present ourselves to others, it's in the hopes that whatever's wrong or bad about us won't overshadow the good of us. 

At this point, I'm guessing my bad is outweighing my good with My Teddy Bear. For the first time since we've been sleeping in bed together, he didn't try to hold me at all. Not even in the morning. I guess he doesn't want to be close to me right now. 

It would be a shame to lose everything over this, but at this point, I won't be surprised at anything.

Thursday, October 6, 2016


It finally hit me what the problem is...

I'm afraid I'll never feel wanted again.

My Teddy Bear doesn't want me. I know it's not my fault. It's completely him and he's finally admitted it. With his testosterone being at an all-time low, sex is not on his agenda. I get that.

That's not my story. I want to have sex whenever I can. I want to feel another human next to me -- and not just when I'm asleep. I want to have a man touching my body in the way that men touch women. I want to put my lips in places that make a man's eyes roll back in his head. I need to feel like I hold the key to someone's pleasure.

That's what I thought New Boo and I had. I was in love (or lust, whatever) with him in three ways -- truly, madly, and deeply. It was so insane. I remember feeling like the sex couldn't get any better and then it did. Every time. It was so good that if he looked at me and lowered his eyes, I would get moist. There was a heat between us that I haven't been able to duplicate, and I miss that.

MTB is SO much more than sex. He really is. He's the man you want to keep. But if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I want the heat, too. I need it.

Part of me thinks that maybe I've had all the heat I'm going to get in this lifetime. Maybe my past indiscretions have rendered me incapable of being really loved the way I thought New Boo loved me. Maybe the most I can hope for is My Teddy Bear and the memories -- no matter how false they might be.

That's what has me shook.

Makes Me Wanna Holla...

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I feel like screaming.

For some stupid reason -- and I call it stupid because it has absolutely no place in my life -- I am missing New Boo. He's proven himself to be an awful human being, and yet...there is still a shred of love for him left in my heart. I don't know why.

My Teddy Bear is doing what he does -- which is nothing. I'm not pleased with him, and it's not his fault. It's mine. I know this has a LOT to do with the lack of sex. Of course, I'm on week one of a six-week sabbatical from all things sexual so I can't do anything anyway. But I think I wouldn't be so antsy if we'd had sex in the six weeks prior to the procedure.

I hate it when my mind takes me through all kinds of pointless memories that don't mean anything. Thanks to all the lies New Boo told, our whole relationship exists on a plane that's completely meaningless to me. I don't know what was real and what wasn't, and it's not a good feeling. I remember feeling wanted by him, feeling loved. But it wasn't real. HE wasn't real. So I have these feelings that don't have anywhere to go.

If things were right between MTB and I, he'd be the recipient of all this emotion. I could give it to him when we made love, and we'd become more bonded together. But the way our situation is set up doesn't allow for all that.

So I carry these things in my heart, looking for a way out. Even though he doesn't deserve to be treated badly, I'm suffering on so many hands.

MTB hates it when I wear weaves. It's one of my favorite things in the world. Right now, my hair and I are not in agreement on how I should look so a weave is the best thing for me to do. MTB doesn't get that it's something I've done for years. Hell, I had one when he met me.

The way I see it, he's not sexing me. The LEAST he could do is not trip when I get my hair done. After all, I've got to have some sort of release. It's not like I'm cheating on him -- I'm making myself happy.

All this goes back to New Boo. These things -- no sex and weave-hatred -- make me miss the illusion he created for me. I hate this.