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I can NOT believe what happened today.

I heard from New Boo. After five months.

I had blocked his number. He got a new one. He texted me. I didn't know it was him until he said, "It's your favorite 6'5."


Why did he call? Why did I talk to him? Why did we fall into a conversation like nothing ever happened? And why do I feel crazy?

He does not want to be in my life. I don't want him in my life -- not unless he wants to REALLY be in my life.

I wish I could reconcile my heart with the facts. I hate that he's put me in this position.

Why can't he love me like I need him to?

Recent posts


I want babies. I know that's not what a 47-year-old woman should say, but it's true. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a mini-me. I want to take someone shopping, teach them to read, spank them when they need it. I want to be a mother.
Although I'm not a slouch in any department, this is one thing I haven't been able to achieve. Because I want a husband to go along with a baby, I have been locked out of the 'hood. Motherhood, that is. And matrimony...but we're not talking about that right now.
I have tried to reconcile myself to the fact that babies may not be in my future. I really have. When I was with New Boo and My Teddy Bear, I considered procreation with them just to have the family I wanted. (I'm SO thankful that God didn't do that to me.) I've been doing pretty good. 
Then this happened...
The fibroids are back. Apparently I have several, and two of them are large. So big, in fact, that my doctor said that my uterus is the size of six-mo…

For My Friend...

I miss her.

Even though it's been almost 25 years since my friend was snatched away from me in the most heinous fashion I could possible imagine, I still think of her.

She was so much fun. We would giggle for hours on end about any and everything. We were so young. Life was just beginning for us, and we couldn't wait to get out and live it.

She never made it out.

A guy she liked -- one I introduced her to -- made an executive decision to take her life because she wouldn't give up her TV for his drug habit. How I wish she would've let the TV go. If we'd known then how the medium would devolve, she would have.

She missed everything.

The internet, two-way pagers, text messages, social media, smartphones, aging...she was gone before any of that came into play.

There are times I wonder how she'd be. Would we still be friends or would our relationship go the way of so many college friendships? Would she be married with kids? Would she be a successful superwoman with …

Dear Mr. NextLove...

Dear Mr. NextLove,

Somewhere, God is getting you ready for me. You'll be able to love me in all of my glory and mess, and you won't judge me. You'll see who I am and what I'm worth.
No matter what things look like today, there will come a day when you will see me as your sun, moon, and stars. You will look at me, look for me, and look to me as your everything.
Mr, NextLove, I will see you and my heart will skip a beat. You'll be my hero, my love, and my heart rolled up into one. I'll stand united with you and I'll always have your back. I will be your peace, your sounding board, and your friend.
When it gets right down to it, I have a lot of expectations for you, Mr. NextLove. But know this -- I have a lot to offer you. You won't just get a pretty face. You'll get a woman of substance who knows what it is to be with and without, and I'll know how to walk with you through all of that. I won't be the bane of your existence. I'll do my best…

Yeah...About That...

I'm watching Scandal, and Mellie was talking about how lonely it is to be the president. She spoke about how men have a problem with regular powerful women, but being the leader of the free world comes with a chastity belt.
I get it.
I'm nowhere near the leader of the free world. I'm not even the leader of free lunch, but I get it. If men perceive you to have one more drop of power than they do, they can't handle it.
This is my life. At least it is when it comes to the men I've known.
It's not even like that for me.
I don't even have enough juice to get what I want at work.
But yet I'm seen as intimidating. 

Oh No...

Just when you think your life is the worst it could possibly be, you hear something that puts it all in perspective.

One of my best friends went to the doctor and was told she either had an autoimmune disease...or cancer.


That makes ALL my issues seem minor now.

I cannot lose her. Period.

Because I believe in God and I know He's a Healer, I know she'll be fine.

But it still gives me pause.

It's funny...if you'd told me 20 years ago that any of my friends would be dead, I probably would've laughed at you. Camille was already gone, but she got killed. That was different.

My homie and I've got 25 years of friendship. I plan to be calling that heifer from the nursing home. We're gonna compare denture stories.

If you know Jesus for real, please pray for her.

Kill It

"Nothing's ever really dead if you look at it right." from Collateral Beauty

I believe that. Although I also believe that some things need to be killed, lest they consume you.

That's what my love for New Boo feels like sometimes.

I need for it to die. I need to be able to bury it. I need it to not come up every time I see happy couples. I need to get it out of my system so I can go on with my life.

I realize at this point I'll never be able to move forward until I can release this piece of my puzzle.

Sometimes I don't think I want to.

I want to live in this love forever. I want him to move back into it with me and make it right again. I want us to get married and live happily ever after. I want to have his children over to our home for holidays. I want to meet his family and make memories for just the two of us.

I want what everyone else wants. And I want it with the love of my heart.

I realize that a lot of what I equate with success comes from loving and be…