Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Finally

My Teddy Bear came through. Literally.

I don't know if he finally got his medical issue together, or if someone told him that I was considering someone else, or what, but he came here like a man with something to prove.

He spent the weekend proving it to me. I got it.

Now I'm back at square one.

Honestly, I forgot how much I enjoy him. There's a reason I date him -- and it's NOT just because I don't have better things to do.

I tried to express to him how much I was enjoying him and how we need to keep this up. All he could say was, "You don't have to keep bringing it up."

Ugh.

Anyway...we had a great time.

My heart is still kinda whacked out, though. Now that I remember what the love was actually about, I'm glad. And I know that if I want to, I can and will move past New Boo.

Let's see how long MTB can keep up the good work...

Sunday, November 6, 2016

No Inspiration Here

When my story is written, no one will look at my love life and say, "That was so inspiring."

Not even a little bit.

I'm caught in a crazy castle I built, and I'm the only person who can free me from it.

I love New Boo. No doubt. He does not love me. Again, no doubt. My Teddy Bear loves me. I care for him, but I don't know that I love him now.

So why don't I just walk away? Why not leave him where he stands so he can find someone who'll love him as much as I love New Boo?

Because I don't want to hurt him. Because I haven't been able to tell him how I've been feeling and I don't want to leave him with the same abandon that New Boo left me.

Because I've been broken, I don't want to break him. Inasmuch as he's made me angry and done things I don't like, he doesn't deserve that kind of pain. No one does. I don't care how angry I've been at his blatant manipulation, I don't want to destroy him the way New Boo destroyed me.

Mainly I wonder if these are just first year hiccups. Could I learn to love him if I just stuck it out. Or are we doomed from the start.

I'm sure I'm making it harder than it has to be. I could just dump him and be done. Go pursue the next someone. Make myself available for everything I want. I could do that.

But I don't want to. I just want to settle down and get about the business of living. That's what I want.

So, nope...there's no inspiration over here. Not a bit.

Friday, November 4, 2016

No Words...

I finally saw him.

New Boo came over. We talked. Then we didn't talk. He spent the night.

I am devastated, and I hate myself for it.

I really thought I could handle it. I can't.

The problem is that I love him. I have no delusion that he loves me. He said that he cares for me. He doesn't want to hurt me.

And he didn't. I hurt me by letting him have what he had not earned. I gave him what I wanted him to have and to want.

There's a funny sort of politics to relationships and breakups. No matter who does what, it all goes out the window in light of the love between you. Even if it's one-sided, there's love there. And both of you feel it. It never really goes away. You bury it when you're around other people. You negotiate it when you're alone. But when you are with that person...it's so crazy. You want to be strong...say it doesn't matter...but you can't. You give in because there's no other choice for you in that moment.

Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that MY reasoning applies to him. I know who he is.

That's the real problem. I know who he is and I love him anyway.

Again I say, what the hell is wrong with me?

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

My Fitz

New Boo is my Fitz.

It finally makes sense.

If you're a Scandal fan, you know that one of the main story lines is the one involving Olivia Pope and President Fitzgerald Grant. He's married, but he loves her beyond reason. And in spite of the fact that she has Jake Ballard firmly in her grasp, she can't shake the love she has for Fitz.

That's how I feel about New Boo. I know he's a lowlife and a cad. He's a liar and probably a cheater and my heart won't allow me to let him go. I find myself thinking of him...imagining our life together...and even though I know that our relationship meant way more to me than it ever did to him, I miss it terribly.

What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard to let him go? He clearly isn't pining for me. But he indulges me because -- let's face it -- it's good for his ego. I'd probably indulge me, too.

I hate the love I have for him. It's like the worst virus I've ever been infected with, and there's no cure for it.

My Teddy Bear is my Jake Ballard. He loves me, but it's not enough. He's enough, but when you love another man, no one can take his place.

And as much as I want to deny it...as much as I want it not to be true...as much as I wish I could make it vanish...I love New Boo. I really do.

To be clear...I know he doesn't love me. I know that. I know that he wants to see me so he can lie to me again...try to get me under his spell again...but I finally know the truth.

So why can't I walk away from my Fitz?

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Ugh...Why?

Why don't hearts do what you want? You'd THINK my heart would be on board with someone who wants to love me. But no...my heart wants to revisit the past.

New Boo wants to see me. I want to see him. Ugh.

I have no business seeing him. I know that seeing him won't solve anything. I know that. And yet...

I want to see him SO bad. I know without a doubt that no good can come from it. I don't know if I'll be so disgusted that I start kicking him, or if I'll just dissolve into a puddle of tears. I don't know what would happen.

I've worked so hard to be whole. I don't know that it's worth it for me to risk becoming undone again.

Of course, none of this would be an issue if things were better between me and My Teddy Bear.

That fool doesn't realize just how close he is to being single. I am TIRED of being with a man who thinks sex is optional. I do NOT appreciate it.

I saw a blog today from a divorced guy who's sharing his story to keep other people from getting divorced. Almost everything he talks about applies to MTB. It was almost creepy how similar they are. Check it out here.

Right now...I'm just trying to figure out my life.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Trapped...

I feel like I'm trapped. That's the only way I can describe it.

As much as I know it to be pointless, I still think about New Boo. I still want to be with the person I fell for two years ago. I want him to be the man he made me believe he was. The man of my dreams. Even beyond the aesthetic and physical, he made me feel safe and care for. Even though I now know that it wasn't real, I felt like he guarded my heart.

Now I'm stuck in a situation with a man who would probably move heaven and earth for me -- as long as I don't ask him to. It's always got to be on his terms and in his time. My needs are pointless and irrelevant. He does things like get me a phone case because he knows I don't have one. He'll get my glasses fixed because he knows I'll forget. But when I ask him to make love to me, he says I'm nasty...or that there are other ways to be intimate. Basically, anything that keeps him from having to expend effort beyond what's been allotted to me.

This weekend, we're trying to get the house straight. The critters are still here, but I bombed the place. Now I've REALLY got to get it cleaned out. Plus, my homegirl is talking about moving her stuff in, too. Where is he, you ask? At home. He said, "I'll wait until the manual labor is over." In his eyes, he's already done enough towards this apartment.

I'm not happy. I'm trapped in the gilded cage reserved for girls who tried to do it right. Instead of shaking my tail all over town, I tried my best to live right. I didn't have kids outside of marriage. I worked on my career so that when I got to this age, I'd be able to relax.

Instead, I'm listening to sad songs wishing I could rip my own heart out so it wouldn't beat for the man I can't have.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I Miss You...

It's been five years since you left us, and I still can't get over it. I almost forgot that you weren't here, but when I wanted to check on you, I realized it all over again. Today is your birthday. You would've been 46.

I still think of you. I want to get your opinion on all the things going on in my life. I want to update you on the latest moron who tried to get his mack on...or hear how things are going with you. Who  you've had to put in his or her place. What goofy thing you're tripping off this time.

I want to know what you think of this election. I'd love to hear your impression of Hillary or Donald...how they make you feel. Maybe you'd vote for a third party candidate. Or maybe you wouldn't vote at all and we'd fuss. I'd do my best to make my case for why it would be necessary for you to vote, and you'd blow me off with something like, It won't count anyway.

Wait...I know you wouldn't do that...but I digress...

The point is I miss you. I miss our time together. I miss the possibility of laughing, crying, and getting old with you somewhere in the world. I miss you living, chick.

Happy Birthday, my friend. I miss you.