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Yeah...About That...

I'm watching Scandal, and Mellie was talking about how lonely it is to be the president. She spoke about how men have a problem with regular powerful women, but being the leader of the free world comes with a chastity belt.
I get it.
I'm nowhere near the leader of the free world. I'm not even the leader of free lunch, but I get it. If men perceive you to have one more drop of power than they do, they can't handle it.
This is my life. At least it is when it comes to the men I've known.
It's not even like that for me.
I don't even have enough juice to get what I want at work.
But yet I'm seen as intimidating. 
Yeah...right.
Recent posts

Oh No...

Just when you think your life is the worst it could possibly be, you hear something that puts it all in perspective.

One of my best friends went to the doctor and was told she either had an autoimmune disease...or cancer.

Whoa.

That makes ALL my issues seem minor now.

I cannot lose her. Period.

Because I believe in God and I know He's a Healer, I know she'll be fine.

But it still gives me pause.

It's funny...if you'd told me 20 years ago that any of my friends would be dead, I probably would've laughed at you. Camille was already gone, but she got killed. That was different.

My homie and I've got 25 years of friendship. I plan to be calling that heifer from the nursing home. We're gonna compare denture stories.

If you know Jesus for real, please pray for her.

Kill It

"Nothing's ever really dead if you look at it right." from Collateral Beauty

I believe that. Although I also believe that some things need to be killed, lest they consume you.

That's what my love for New Boo feels like sometimes.

I need for it to die. I need to be able to bury it. I need it to not come up every time I see happy couples. I need to get it out of my system so I can go on with my life.

I realize at this point I'll never be able to move forward until I can release this piece of my puzzle.

Sometimes I don't think I want to.

I want to live in this love forever. I want him to move back into it with me and make it right again. I want us to get married and live happily ever after. I want to have his children over to our home for holidays. I want to meet his family and make memories for just the two of us.

I want what everyone else wants. And I want it with the love of my heart.

I realize that a lot of what I equate with success comes from loving and be…

Enough

I hope you got enough.

When I submitted my fragile heart to you...again...and you trampled over it...again....

I hope you got enough.

When you got my hopes up...again...that you might actually be worth the time it took to say your name...again...

I hope you got enough.

When you were deep inside me...exciting my body and touching my soul the way only you can because of the love we've shared before...

I hope you got enough.

When you treated me like a friend, or at least someone you liked...again...

I hope you got enough.

Because I did. I got enough.

I got enough pain, heartache, and tears to last me a lifetime. And for the first time a long time, I'm putting the broken pieces of my heart together with something other than your lies and promises that never seem to come true.

I got enough.

I've reached my limit of excusing your behavior...of blaming myself for your actions. It's not my fault that our relationship -- the one you love to refer to -- is broken. You walked awa…

The Problem...

My therapist helped me find the root of my issues.

Rejection.

Pretty much everything I've ever done is tied to my deep-seated fear of rejection. And if I let my mind wander, it goes back to my earliest memories.

When I was little and my grandmother told me that not everyone would love me.

When I was five, I tried to find a dad among my mom's friends. I figured you could just ask someone to be your father. Who knew biology was involved?

When we moved back to Texas and the kids teased me for the way I talked. They said I was "proper" and "thought I was White."

My therapist told me a few weeks ago that I had tolerated too many things. Now I see why...because of my fear of being rejected.

Now I have to figure out how to fix that. Ugh..

A Season

Sin is only good for a season. I'm at the end of mine.

I finally allowed Juice to have what he wanted. And guess what? It was good for me, too. Honestly, it was the first time in forever that someone satisfied me as much -- or at least in a comparable fashion -- as New Boo. I thought I'd found my placebo drug.

Then I got greedy. I wanted it again -- this time on my terms. I picked the spot and we went. When it was over, I looked around the beautiful room in the beautiful part of town and got sad. I didn't want to be with him. He has the personality of paint drying...with the penis of Dirk Digler. I can't do it. I swear.

New Boo is an awful, awful man. He doesn't want to be with me. He wants to use me for his convenience. That's all it'll ever be now.

There are times when I'd rather have a portion of his time to pretend that there's love there. I know there's not, but I can paint that picture in my brain. I can make myself believe that he still w…

What I Want...

I want a family of my own.

I want a husband who'll provide for me and have my back. Someone who wants to be with me and me alone. A person who sees me and still thinks I'm a good idea.

I want someone I can dream with. Someone who won't think I'm crazy or stupid because I'm afraid of bugs. Someone who'll be willing to go on adventures with me and introduce me to new things.

I want someone to love me.

Is that really too much to ask?

I sometimes wonder how I made it all the way to 46 with no permanent man on the horizon. Yes, I realize that's not the only thing to life, but I swear to you, it's something I want and feel like I need.

I want babies, too. (Since I'm telling you what I want, I might as well put it all out there.) More than one. I want to shape human beings with my loving husband by my side.

I want my life to mean something to the world. I want to leave something behind besides bills.

I want to live in a great condo -- if I don't have k…