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The Reality of it All...

Real love makes you giddy. When you see the object of your affection, your face lights up from the inside out. When you're apart, you long for the person -- even if it's just a few hours.

I used to feel that way.  I want to feel that way again.

Sadly, My Teddy Bear was never the object of that, and it's unfair to him.

What's sadder is that he doesn't realize it.

When he got with me, I was so broken that I needed someone...anyone...to help glue me back together. My main requirement was that he wasn't New Boo. And he wasn't. He seemed to have his thing way more together. He made me feel special -- something I needed at the time.

But things have soured. First of all...he restricted my conversation. He wouldn't let me share with him like I needed to. Then he stopped sleeping with me. That was a biggie. Now I just feel empty when it comes to him. It's almost like I'm not in a relationship anymore.

It would be easy to place the blame on him, but it…
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Still Here

And the situation continues...

I still have not mustered up the guts to end things with My Teddy Bear. It's hard to break up with someone you barely talk to. Our conversations are so superficial. We never talk about substantive stuff, and now I see how that's affected me.

When we first started dating, I wanted to share things with him, but he only wanted to hear about things pertaining to me. I didn't matter if it was important to me -- he wanted no parts of it. It doesn't work that way for me. Instead of fighting for what I wanted -- the freedom to discuss everything with him -- I retreated. I just started talking to other people.

At the beginning, we'd have sex on a somewhat regular basis. However, it was also around the time I started getting sick, so I was out of commission a lot of time. After he decided that he didn't want to sleep with me -- because of his low T, I found out later -- I still didn't fight it. When he said he didn't want to discuss…

Holding it Together is Hard...

So...I told you the end is near for My Teddy Bear and I.

Because I'm not a total bitch -- or maybe I should say because I don't want to be -- I'm putting it off by a week or so because he lost one of his best friends.

But it's getting harder and harder to hold this sham together.

Case in point -- my homegirl's birthday party. I was drunker than I needed to be on a work night, and I showed out. I was dancing with all kinds of boys -- mostly gay, but one is bi and wants me badly. With his well-toned physique and winning personality, I like him, too. Even though I know I won't go there, you couldn't tell it the way I was grinding up on him. Much to my chagrin, I let my affection-starved body take over.

Let's just say that it was NOT a good look -- especially since his friends were there.

He ended up coming home with us...and he didn't say a word about what went on. He also didn't make a move on me. At all. Ugh...

In other party news, I spoke to New…

The Fat Lady is Warming Up...

The inevitable is about to happen.

I'm going to break up with My Teddy Bear.

It's been a long time coming, but it's time.

And honestly, it's not like when I broke up with RIP. Even though he went off the deep end, it was that plus my budding feelings for New Boo that caused me to let him go.

No, this time, it's not because of New Boo. NB is fun, but I already know that he's a dead-end street.

This time, I'm letting MTB go because he deserves better. He deserves to be with someone who can and will love him as he is. Someone who'll see all the wonderfulness that he possesses.

I see it, but I can't access it to my satisfaction. And I'm unhappy with him. I don't want to be, but I am. And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it in the cards for us.

I just hope that we can both come out intact when everything is said and done.

Oh No...

I don't want to do this, but I'm realizing that I cannot help it.

I find myself falling for New Boo again.

Last night was especially crazy.

He walked into my room and immediately began putting my fan together. After that, he checked my cable to see what was wrong and diagnosed the problem. Then he poured me a drink and we talked. Nothing major, but he asked me about my trip. The conversation wasn't anything earth shattering, but it was us.

After all that, we got busy. It was wild and kinda rough, but never too much. When he finished, he tried to leave. I would've let him, but I was tipsy, too. Next thing you know, I'm texting him to come back. He was drunker than he thought he was, and he came back. The lovemaking that ensued was even more insane.

This time, he spent the night. No sex in the morning, but the damage was done.

To be fair, it's not New Boo's fault. It is not. I am completely to blame for this episode of my heartbreak. Totally.

I can't blam…

Here I Grow Again...

I'm constantly learning about myself. What I'm finding out is not necessarily great.

Inasmuch as I like people, I realize that I don't want them close to me. The reason this matters is that I'm a public figure. I work in radio, which means that I'm able to talk to people without being around them. Now that I want to boost my profile, I'll have to be more social. I don't even know how.
This weekend, I did an event where I was introduced as my public persona, and I don't think I handled it right. I was supposed to mingle and talk to people...take pictures...etc. Instead, I sat with the people I knew and got tipsy. I don't think it was noticeable, but I was kinda disappointed in myself.
That's a feeling I'm experiencing a lot lately. Disappointment with myself, that is. That's a discussion for another day.
As I reviewed my life, as I often do when I'm upset, I realized that I've never liked being around a lot of people. One of my gr…

Who Does This?

I did it again.
I slept with New Boo.
I don't really know why.
That's not really true. I know exactly why I did it. He's a wonderful lover. He makes me feel sexy. We push each other to be the best. When we come together, we take each other to higher heights.
The downside is that when the high is over, the crash is epic. Right now I feel horrible.
Yes, my body is tingling. But my heart is confused. 
Okay, that's not exactly true, either. I know what's wrong -- even though I hate to admit it.
My body needs New Boo, but My Teddy Bear knows how to care for my heart. NB makes me scream as we go through all the fly positions. MTB makes sure I eat like I need to. NB inspires me to make love in my boots. MTB holds me in the middle of the night.
NB didn't spend the night. That was a first for us. But it was more necessary than I realized. His leaving solidified the fact -- again -- that we're not together. That sex is all we have between us. There's no need for…