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Where Am I?

Sometimes I don’t know what to do. There are so many feelings that I’m having right now.

For one, I don’t know what do at this point in my career. God told me that my money was in writing. So what did I do all summer? Worked on getting my teacher certification. Mind you, I don’t know that teaching is in my future. I just wanted to keep my options open.

Walking by faith doesn’t work like that. I know that, but I let my fear, insecurity, and need to please my mother get in the way. I can admit that freely. I’m human.

Now it’s the end of summer and I’m no closer to finishing my book…or my comedy sketches…or anything.

The one thing I have been consistent about is working out. I wish I’d been as diligent about my diet. I’ve been doing intermittent fasting, but not as consistently as I should have. While I haven’t lost all the weight I want to lose — not even close — I think I look a little better in my clothes.

And then there’s Tinderfella.

I love him. I don’t know if it’s right or proper or anything, but I do. Of course, I have to wonder if it’s him that I love or just the thought of what he says he offers. We have a lot in common and we think alike. When I speak with him, I know he’s the one. But I wonder if he feels the same way about me. I wonder if he sees me as his future or just someone who can save him from his lonely life.

At the end of the day, I wonder if Tinderfella can stick with me for the long haul. If he can be with me when I’m broke or depressed or feeling insecure about everything in my life. Can he reassure me when everything is going crazy around me or in my head? Does he even want to?

This is the sum total of what’s going on in my head right now.

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