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I Am Not Through

I'm really not through.

New Boo and his stuff are out of my house. For real.

He was kind. He didn't take anything I wanted. And I helped him move it all to storage. Even though I don't think he wanted to, he drove me back home in the truck -- more than likely to avoid a teary scene.

If that was his thought, he was right. I can't stop crying. Every time I think about him being gone, I tear up again. It's not like I didn't know this day was coming. I was well aware of it. I asked for it. Clearly, there's something still here, and I feel like I'm not finished yet.

I still have hugs to get, conversations to have, meals to cook, questions to ask, moments to share, looks to decipher, love to give...

I'm really not through.

Even though everything we could possibly say to each other has been said now, my face is still wet with all the hopes and dreams I had for us as a couple. My heart still heaves with all the words that I want to say to him to make him stay.

Because, let's face it...I wanted him to stay.

Yes, the strong Black woman in me was like, "He's gotta go. He did you wrong. He doesn't appreciate all that you've done for him and it's time to cancel his subscription to MackDiva Magazine." And that's all true.

But the heart of this strong Black woman was absolutely NOT through with him. She's still looking for him to want to walk through the door, even though he finally gave back the keys. She still wants him to look out for her.

That's the thing...now that he's gone, I feel so alone in the world.

Last night -- or this morning -- I was coming home from work. It was almost 4 in the morning, and my budget dictated that I take the train and the bus instead of a cab. As I waited for the bus, all I could think was how angry he would've been if we were still living together. In fact, he wouldn't have allowed me to go, because it would've been too dangerous and he would've worried.

Now? I'm on my own. Can I just say that I don't want to be?

I realize that most people don't like the idea of being constantly clocked. I do. I need someone to check up on me...make sure I'm alright. I realize that probably makes me sound crazy. It makes me feel cared for.

I guess that's what really hurts right now -- I feel so uncared for. Like if something happened to me, there would be no one who'd really miss me. Yes, I know my friends and family would, but there wouldn't be anyone on the planet whose world would stop if I were maimed, hurt, or killed.

It's almost like I don't exist.

That's the real reason this thing hurts me to my core. I feel like I don't matter to anyone special. Like my existence means nothing. And yes, I know it's probably sexist, and totally unrealistic, but that's how I feel right now.

As you can see, I'm in a crazy place right now. And yes, I know it will pass, and I know that I'll calm down and all will be right with the world again very, very soon. However, not right now...I'm not through.

Comments

JB said…
I'm reading these in order and it's hard not to jump ahead and see what happened.

I hate that you feel so lost in this post. I keep thinking that there are people who love you. You know that. I want to tell you to focus on them and how they make you feel. A grandmother, a sister, a friend, yourself. Would one of them have made you tea and listened?

Make tea.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…