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I Loved Him Once...

I loved him once.

No matter when I see New Boo again, I know I'll say that

I loved him once.

I poured my heart and soul into the man I thought was going to end my dating career and take care of my heart for the rest of my life. I thought he was going love me and cherish me and make me feel special until the end of time.

But alas, after all is said and done, all I can say is

I loved him once.

I gave him things reserved for the man of my dreams. I cooked. I cleaned. I made sure that everything was beautiful for this man. I wanted him to be able to relax when he came home from work. I wanted him to know that no matter what it was he wanted, it was always on the menu with me. I did that. What did he do? Take it all and leave me with nothing.

It's over now. And all I have to show for my dreams and good intentions is the notion that

I loved him once.

It is my prayer that I never see him with another girl. I hope that I never get to see him happy with someone else. And understand -- I do want him to be happy. I just don't want to see it. I have a feeling that if I have to witness that, I might blurt out

I loved him once.

And that wouldn't be good for anyone involved -- especially not his new love. She doesn't deserve to have her heart broken because of me. Maybe he will have evolved by then, and he won't do her like he did me. Hopefully, he will have found his healing and he'll be able to take care of her in a way that he could never do for me. For her sake, I hope she'll never have to say

I loved him once.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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