Skip to main content

I Loved Him Once...

I loved him once.

No matter when I see New Boo again, I know I'll say that

I loved him once.

I poured my heart and soul into the man I thought was going to end my dating career and take care of my heart for the rest of my life. I thought he was going love me and cherish me and make me feel special until the end of time.

But alas, after all is said and done, all I can say is

I loved him once.

I gave him things reserved for the man of my dreams. I cooked. I cleaned. I made sure that everything was beautiful for this man. I wanted him to be able to relax when he came home from work. I wanted him to know that no matter what it was he wanted, it was always on the menu with me. I did that. What did he do? Take it all and leave me with nothing.

It's over now. And all I have to show for my dreams and good intentions is the notion that

I loved him once.

It is my prayer that I never see him with another girl. I hope that I never get to see him happy with someone else. And understand -- I do want him to be happy. I just don't want to see it. I have a feeling that if I have to witness that, I might blurt out

I loved him once.

And that wouldn't be good for anyone involved -- especially not his new love. She doesn't deserve to have her heart broken because of me. Maybe he will have evolved by then, and he won't do her like he did me. Hopefully, he will have found his healing and he'll be able to take care of her in a way that he could never do for me. For her sake, I hope she'll never have to say

I loved him once.


Popular posts from this blog

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Now What?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we…

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…