Skip to main content

Acceptance & Rejection, Part One

"He couldn't reject you because he never fully accepted you."

I think that statement right there has been the most profound one I've heard throughout this whole ordeal. And sadly, one of the most accurate.

Among the many details I didn't bother to bore you with was that New Boo thought I was "too sexual." What does that mean, you ask? He wanted someone with less of an appetite than I had -- and considerably less experience.

Now I should pause here and say that I was 43 when I met him and I wasn't a virgin. So yes, I have a past. I'm not ashamed of it, either. I wish I could say I'd married the first man I'd slept with, but I didn't. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm not a booga-wolf, either, so I've had my fair share of carnal relations. Most grown men are okay with that.

And then there's New Boo.

We had a conversation once where he told me that he was extremely jealous. He said that he didn't like thinking about his women being with anyone else...ever. Mind you, this is a 42-year-old man who's been married and had two kids. I was like, "Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's not my story. And it's not like I'm some kind of drug addict or something." You know what he said to me? "I would rather think of you doing drugs than being with someone else."

Huh?

Is that not the most unrealistic thing you've ever heard?

Drug addict, yes. Sexually healthy woman, no?

I should've run when I heard that, but I didn't. Like so many things about me -- the fact that I've traveled, the fact that I have an active social life, the fact that I'm a friendly person -- I just kind of buried them in hopes that he would find me worthy of love.

And it worked -- or so I thought. At the end of the day, he still walked away from me. After I gave him all I had -- and then some -- he rejected all that I was. I was telling this to a friend of mine when she said, "He couldn't reject you because he never accepted you."

Can I just say that as painful and as harsh as it sounds, I believe it.

New Boo was never going to accept me as the vibrant human I am. In his mind, his woman needed to be less than him so he could be okay with himself. And guess what? I'm not less than on any level.

So yes, I'm still hurt. That probably won't change. But I swear I'm gonna try to move through this quickly so that the real man who's custom-made for me can come along and accept me -- flaws and all.

Comments

JB said…
That's what I love about you. You're vibrant, even in writing, even in sadness, even in grief. You are more than. You couldn't be less if you tried.

Popular posts from this blog

A New Possibility?

If you've been reading EFTDOAD for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I haven't really talked about a man. By that, I mean a man of my own. What's really sad is that there hasn't been a man in my life for the entire time I've been writing this blog. I hate that. However, things may be looking up for me. One of my good friends hosts a forum in Los Angeles called " Battle of the Sexes ." This monthly event consists of guys and girls submitting questions anonymously to the moderators, with the answers being discussed in an open forum. It can get quite rowdy, and the discussions are always enlightening. For most of us, it's the first time we've really heard what members of the opposite sex think. I've been attending these Battles for a few months now. Even though I'm not a fan of mindless rhetoric, it's cool to be around some single people who can think and put together coherent sentences. The last couple of times I'v
There's always that one. The one person you'd change your entire life for if they asked you to. Whether it's the first man you ever loved, the first guy who saw you naked, or the first man to bring you flowers, if he said, "Marry me, and travel with me around the world," you'd quit your job and hop on the first thing smoking. Alas, I haven't met him yet. Actually...that's not true. I have met him. But he doesn't want me. So rather than admit that the one guy I'd leave it all for wouldn't be caught dead with me, I say we don't know each other. I read an article this week that I found to be very informative. It was talking about how men will use any woman who allows herself to be used. And while I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't want that kind of life, I recognized myself in all those women. I've been there. And there are times (like today) when it would be nice to have someone around...even if they're

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th