Skip to main content

The State of Me

Have you ever felt like a fish out of water? That's how I feel with My Teddy Bear.

He's an awesome man. The way he treats me is second to none. I'm realizing that men actually CAN love women in a way that's real and pure.

So why am I having a hard time accepting it?

I swear...I never thought I'd be here, but I am. I don't feel worthy of his kindness and affection. And I can't pinpoint why I'm having issues with it. It's like I've finally found exactly what I need in a man, but I don't know that I'm good enough for him.

Could it be because New Boo still creeps into my dreams?

Please be clear -- NO woman deserves to be put through what NB put me through. I treated him like gold, but he tossed me aside like glass. I sometimes think that the way I'm feeling about MTB is how NB felt about me -- like he wasn't good enough.

The difference between me and NB is that I recognize MTB's goodness as being an inherent part of him. I understand that he would treat anyone he chooses to love the way he treats me. In other words, he treats me good because HE's good -- not me.

I can't say that out loud to anyone. No one will believe I'm going through this.

More than anything, I won't break MTB's heart like NB broke mine. He's too good for me not to trifle with. It's my goal to be worthy of what he wants to give me.

I don't know how I'm going to do that.

Here's the real screwed up part -- the guys I've been with have been so awful that my awfulness wasn't so bad compared to them. Now that I have a good man on my team, I see just how bad I am.

Maybe I really do need help. Or maybe my hormones are out of whack. I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna keep this stuff to myself so I won't taint the one good thing I've ever had with my foolishness.

Comments

JB said…
Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, "I deserve this wonderful loving man. I do." Do this over and over until you believe it. You really do deserve a good guy.

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.