Skip to main content

The State of Me

Have you ever felt like a fish out of water? That's how I feel with My Teddy Bear.

He's an awesome man. The way he treats me is second to none. I'm realizing that men actually CAN love women in a way that's real and pure.

So why am I having a hard time accepting it?

I swear...I never thought I'd be here, but I am. I don't feel worthy of his kindness and affection. And I can't pinpoint why I'm having issues with it. It's like I've finally found exactly what I need in a man, but I don't know that I'm good enough for him.

Could it be because New Boo still creeps into my dreams?

Please be clear -- NO woman deserves to be put through what NB put me through. I treated him like gold, but he tossed me aside like glass. I sometimes think that the way I'm feeling about MTB is how NB felt about me -- like he wasn't good enough.

The difference between me and NB is that I recognize MTB's goodness as being an inherent part of him. I understand that he would treat anyone he chooses to love the way he treats me. In other words, he treats me good because HE's good -- not me.

I can't say that out loud to anyone. No one will believe I'm going through this.

More than anything, I won't break MTB's heart like NB broke mine. He's too good for me not to trifle with. It's my goal to be worthy of what he wants to give me.

I don't know how I'm going to do that.

Here's the real screwed up part -- the guys I've been with have been so awful that my awfulness wasn't so bad compared to them. Now that I have a good man on my team, I see just how bad I am.

Maybe I really do need help. Or maybe my hormones are out of whack. I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna keep this stuff to myself so I won't taint the one good thing I've ever had with my foolishness.

Comments

JB said…
Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, "I deserve this wonderful loving man. I do." Do this over and over until you believe it. You really do deserve a good guy.

Popular posts from this blog

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.