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When You Know...

How do you know when it's really over? When you realize he has no care for you. He may show you every day by his absence, but it's not real for you until you look in his eyes and SEE it.

That's what happened to me last night.

Sure, New Boo has been gone for almost two years. Yes, he hasn't made any real efforts to get us back to where we were. And he absolutely doesn't ask me who I'm sleeping with. And yet when we made plans to grab a drink for his birthday, I thought we were going to discuss our future.

Boy, was I wrong.

We did get together. We did have a drink. But I was just a stop on his way to his real party with his boys. In fact, the only reason he did that was so that he could keep his word to me. For once.

No matter how hurt I am, I have no way to blame him for that. He didn't give me anything to make me believe that he wanted me back. He didn't imply or allude to anything like that.

It was all in my head.

One day I'm going to forget that this was the man who slept on the floor of my rented room because he wanted to be with me like that. I'll forget the coffee cup he bought me because I was sad about not being able to get pregnant when we were together. I'll stop seeing him walking out on the roof to help the cable guys get our TV situation straight. And even though he reminded me last night, I'll forget the guy who held personal grooming sessions with me.

Honestly, and I didn't realize it for real until this moment, dealing with New Boo for me at this moment is really an all-or-nothing proposition if I want to keep my heart intact. Because of the level of love I had for him, I can't accept anything less from him in return. I can't be casual with him because my love was and is too formal for him. I wish we could be friends. I really do. But being friends with him isn't friendly to my heart.

I'm going to have to cut him out of life. Again. This time, I can't go back on it. I have to move forward. Again.

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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

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Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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