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When You Know...

How do you know when it's really over? When you realize he has no care for you. He may show you every day by his absence, but it's not real for you until you look in his eyes and SEE it.

That's what happened to me last night.

Sure, New Boo has been gone for almost two years. Yes, he hasn't made any real efforts to get us back to where we were. And he absolutely doesn't ask me who I'm sleeping with. And yet when we made plans to grab a drink for his birthday, I thought we were going to discuss our future.

Boy, was I wrong.

We did get together. We did have a drink. But I was just a stop on his way to his real party with his boys. In fact, the only reason he did that was so that he could keep his word to me. For once.

No matter how hurt I am, I have no way to blame him for that. He didn't give me anything to make me believe that he wanted me back. He didn't imply or allude to anything like that.

It was all in my head.

One day I'm going to forget that this was the man who slept on the floor of my rented room because he wanted to be with me like that. I'll forget the coffee cup he bought me because I was sad about not being able to get pregnant when we were together. I'll stop seeing him walking out on the roof to help the cable guys get our TV situation straight. And even though he reminded me last night, I'll forget the guy who held personal grooming sessions with me.

Honestly, and I didn't realize it for real until this moment, dealing with New Boo for me at this moment is really an all-or-nothing proposition if I want to keep my heart intact. Because of the level of love I had for him, I can't accept anything less from him in return. I can't be casual with him because my love was and is too formal for him. I wish we could be friends. I really do. But being friends with him isn't friendly to my heart.

I'm going to have to cut him out of life. Again. This time, I can't go back on it. I have to move forward. Again.

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The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…