Skip to main content

Caught in an Angle of Song...

That's one of my favorite lines from Love Jones, and it sums up my feelings right now. I'm listening to Leslie Odom Jr. today. If you love great singing and beautiful music, you definitely need to get into this one. As a wonderful (?) bonus, it's got me all in my feelings. While there, I came to an uncomfortable realization.

I'm lonely.

Even though I'm dating My Teddy Bear, I spend way too much time by myself. He calls during the day, but it's on his breaks and when he's on the bus. We don't have substantive conversations about things that matter to me. When we have "serious" conversations, they usually consist of him either bitching and moaning because of something I want him to do, or him telling me what activity he wants to do.

I miss having someone who's interested in the same things I am. I miss having someone I can tell my secrets to without feeling like I'll be ridiculed. I feel like I'm adrift all the time, which wouldn't bother me if I was single. But I'm not.

That's why I find myself thinking about and pining for New Boo. That's not cool at all, but it's the reality of my life.

One of my favorite songs on this album is Love Look Away. It addresses the emotion like an annoying  person. "Love, look away from me. Fly when you pass my door. Fly and get lost at sea. Call it a day. Love, let us say we're through. No good are you for me. No good am I for you." But line that sends me in is, "Wanting you so, I try too much. After you go, I cry too much." The chorus says, "Love, look away -- lonely though I may be. Leave me and set me free. Look away from me." And Leslie's buttery tenor brings it together in fine fashion.

I'm IN a relationship, and my heart is so sore that I can't stand it. Ugh!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.