I did it again.
I slept with New Boo.
I don't really know why.
That's not really true. I know exactly why I did it. He's a wonderful lover. He makes me feel sexy. We push each other to be the best. When we come together, we take each other to higher heights.
The downside is that when the high is over, the crash is epic. Right now I feel horrible.
Yes, my body is tingling. But my heart is confused.
Okay, that's not exactly true, either. I know what's wrong -- even though I hate to admit it.
My body needs New Boo, but My Teddy Bear knows how to care for my heart. NB makes me scream as we go through all the fly positions. MTB makes sure I eat like I need to. NB inspires me to make love in my boots. MTB holds me in the middle of the night.
NB didn't spend the night. That was a first for us. But it was more necessary than I realized. His leaving solidified the fact -- again -- that we're not together. That sex is all we have between us. There's no need for conversation. If we just handle the business and move around, it actually means I don't get to relive the what we had before.
As much as I hate to admit it, NB leaving was the best part of the evening. Even though I would've loved to get it in this morning -- especially since I'm off today -- it's better for my heart to savor the morning after by myself.
I have to decide what to do. One part of me wants to keep MTB because it would break his heart to lose me. I know that because he feels for me what I used to feel for NB. I'm HIS New Boo -- and it makes me hate myself.
When you know how it feels to be shattered, you don't want to shatter anyone else.
And yet that's what I'm doing. I never would've thought I'd be this one. I don't know who I am anymore.
Actually, that's a lie. I know exactly who I am. I'm a frustrated woman who's trying to make due with what she's been given. But I really don't know what I'm doing.