Skip to main content

Kill It

"Nothing's ever really dead if you look at it right." from Collateral Beauty

I believe that. Although I also believe that some things need to be killed, lest they consume you.

That's what my love for New Boo feels like sometimes.

I need for it to die. I need to be able to bury it. I need it to not come up every time I see happy couples. I need to get it out of my system so I can go on with my life.

I realize at this point I'll never be able to move forward until I can release this piece of my puzzle.

Sometimes I don't think I want to.

I want to live in this love forever. I want him to move back into it with me and make it right again. I want us to get married and live happily ever after. I want to have his children over to our home for holidays. I want to meet his family and make memories for just the two of us.

I want what everyone else wants. And I want it with the love of my heart.

I realize that a lot of what I equate with success comes from loving and being loved. Since I haven't achieved that, every other accomplishment seems hollow and empty.

I also realize that loving a dead thing won't bring it back to life -- no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I have tried.

If my love alone was enough to revive what I had with New Boo, we'd be well on our way to everlasting happiness right now.

But for now, what I want is irrelevant and pointless. It is, as Granny could say so eloquently, a vain wish. So I need to move on and realize that my New Boo dream is dead.

If only I could kill it...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A New Possibility?

If you've been reading EFTDOAD for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I haven't really talked about a man. By that, I mean a man of my own. What's really sad is that there hasn't been a man in my life for the entire time I've been writing this blog. I hate that. However, things may be looking up for me. One of my good friends hosts a forum in Los Angeles called " Battle of the Sexes ." This monthly event consists of guys and girls submitting questions anonymously to the moderators, with the answers being discussed in an open forum. It can get quite rowdy, and the discussions are always enlightening. For most of us, it's the first time we've really heard what members of the opposite sex think. I've been attending these Battles for a few months now. Even though I'm not a fan of mindless rhetoric, it's cool to be around some single people who can think and put together coherent sentences. The last couple of times I'v
5 comments
Read more

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th
5 comments
Read more
There's always that one. The one person you'd change your entire life for if they asked you to. Whether it's the first man you ever loved, the first guy who saw you naked, or the first man to bring you flowers, if he said, "Marry me, and travel with me around the world," you'd quit your job and hop on the first thing smoking. Alas, I haven't met him yet. Actually...that's not true. I have met him. But he doesn't want me. So rather than admit that the one guy I'd leave it all for wouldn't be caught dead with me, I say we don't know each other. I read an article this week that I found to be very informative. It was talking about how men will use any woman who allows herself to be used. And while I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't want that kind of life, I recognized myself in all those women. I've been there. And there are times (like today) when it would be nice to have someone around...even if they're
3 comments
Read more