Kill It

"Nothing's ever really dead if you look at it right." from Collateral Beauty

I believe that. Although I also believe that some things need to be killed, lest they consume you.

That's what my love for New Boo feels like sometimes.

I need for it to die. I need to be able to bury it. I need it to not come up every time I see happy couples. I need to get it out of my system so I can go on with my life.

I realize at this point I'll never be able to move forward until I can release this piece of my puzzle.

Sometimes I don't think I want to.

I want to live in this love forever. I want him to move back into it with me and make it right again. I want us to get married and live happily ever after. I want to have his children over to our home for holidays. I want to meet his family and make memories for just the two of us.

I want what everyone else wants. And I want it with the love of my heart.

I realize that a lot of what I equate with success comes from loving and being loved. Since I haven't achieved that, every other accomplishment seems hollow and empty.

I also realize that loving a dead thing won't bring it back to life -- no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I have tried.

If my love alone was enough to revive what I had with New Boo, we'd be well on our way to everlasting happiness right now.

But for now, what I want is irrelevant and pointless. It is, as Granny could say so eloquently, a vain wish. So I need to move on and realize that my New Boo dream is dead.

If only I could kill it...