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In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I want to be with someone who'll go on adventures with me -- real and imagined. I want a home/lover/friend that I can be completely real with. I want someone who'll ask me about my hair, want to make love to me, and still understand that I don't want to be bothered when I'm hurting.

Do I want too much?

My therapist said that I've settled for too many things. She doesn't know the half.

When she said it, I knew that she was right. But what she doesn't know is that it's been that way all my life. I've spent my life fighting loneliness by molding myself into things I don't want to be. I've begged and pleaded with people to love me, to no avail.

Which brings me back to New Boo.

I'm so starved for love and attention that I allow myself to be available for him when I should just ignore him. It's not like I haven't seen it done. He's VERY good at ignoring me.

My heart is sore...and I'm tired of fighting.

*Juice is a guy I met on Tinder. He took me out to a juice bar, bought me a couple of things and thought he could ask for my worldly goods. I don't know where on the planet two glasses of juice qualifies as foreplay, so I turned him down. He clearly still wants it, but I'm not interested in giving it to him because he hasn't inspired me enough.

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