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Something New...

For many years, I've used this space to try and work out my issues. I've poured out large portions of my heart on this page because I couldn't say anything to the people around me.

But my latest issues have called my sanity into question, and I've decided to get some more formalized help. So...long story short, I've started seeing a therapist.

I never thought I would.

So far, I've had two sessions. She asked me questions in the first one, and the second one found me spilling my guts about children.

I've only told a few people. I haven't shared it with the people closest to me, and I'm not really sure why. It's not like it's shameful. But it IS a new and different way of dealing with my life.

I told New Boo. He's in therapy, too.

Funny thing -- My Teddy Bear, who's now my ex, is seeing a therapist, too. But I haven't talked to him about it. Yet again, he's facing another crisis.

The other day I was bleeding and hot and sweaty and sleepy and every other bad thing I can think of when MTB texts me to say that he's lost another relative. I called him back and he was in tears. Since I was in the middle of my commute, I told him I'd call him back.

I didn't. I couldn't, actually.

I couldn't listen to him cry again. I couldn't take hearing him go deeper into his dark place on the heels of more bad news. I just couldn't.

I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. If it does, that's just another situation I'll have to live with because in that moment, I found myself in a "can" deficiency that I didn't feel the need to crawl out of.

Inasmuch as I want to be there for MTB, I'm having a hard time with him being so problematic. Especially when I, too, am not strong. I may look tough as nails, but I, too, am hanging on by a thread. For once, I chose me and my needs over him.

(Lest you think me noble, I've made choices for myself before. Breaking up with him was one. This time, I had to make the distinction between friend and ex-girlfriend.)

For just one moment, I need to give myself the attention I give to others. 

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As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

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