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The Slow Motion

There's nothing uglier than watching someone you love NOT love you. What's worse is if they want to, but can't find it within themselves to do so. That's what I'm experiencing with New Boo these days.

After all we've been though the past month, it's been hard. I want it to work. He says he does, but I know it's a lie. At the end of the day, it's all about keeping a roof over his head for him. He doesn't have anywhere to go if I ask him to leave. What's worse, he can't afford to live alone. And he feels trapped. So he's been trying to make it work. And it's not working for him.

These past two days have been especially challenging for him. Last night, I busted him for changing his Facebook page -- and dropping me from it. He wasn't prepared for that at all. And my thing is this -- as much as I love him, I cannot deal with a liar and someone who doesn't want to be my friend. And that's exactly what that action proved. So I woke him up with the, "What are you going to do, because you can NOT stay here. New Boo I love. You I do not know, and I will NOT put up with a liar."

So NB did what anyone would do when faced with a possible eviction -- he groveled. And promised to try. And said that he loved me. But he doesn't really want to. So tonight he comes home, and he was so frustrated that he banged on the cabinet with his fist because the water was too hot. I've never seen him so agitated. And of course, he shut himself off from me. Again.

To make bad matters worse, I got an email titled, "12 Signs He Wants to Break Up with You." Of the 12 traits listed, New Boo was exhibiting 10 of them. And I told him. He's like, "I'm trying to do the right thing." But I'm like, "Right by whose standards? You're not happy. You don't want to be here, and it's no good for you to be unhappy because that does me no good." And he stood there and cried.

So it's completely over. I can't wait to see how this plays out.


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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.