A New Possibility?

If you've been reading EFTDOAD for any length of time, you've probably noticed that I haven't really talked about a man. By that, I mean a man of my own. What's really sad is that there hasn't been a man in my life for the entire time I've been writing this blog. I hate that. However, things may be looking up for me.

One of my good friends hosts a forum in Los Angeles called "Battle of the Sexes." This monthly event consists of guys and girls submitting questions anonymously to the moderators, with the answers being discussed in an open forum. It can get quite rowdy, and the discussions are always enlightening. For most of us, it's the first time we've really heard what members of the opposite sex think. I've been attending these Battles for a few months now. Even though I'm not a fan of mindless rhetoric, it's cool to be around some single people who can think and put together coherent sentences.

The last couple of times I've gone, I've chatted with a young man. He's a cutie, but I don't think he's on the same page I am. For one, his commentary at the battles could be construed as anti-female. He and boys are the ones who think monogamy is for suckas and women are the enemy.

So why have I entertained this guy? No particular reason. Like I said, he IS a cutie. His convo really isn't serious, and I think he's mostly responding to my brand of passive-aggressive flirting that men sometimes misconstrue as an invitation for sex. The last time I saw him, he took it to the next level by asking for my number. While I was flattered by the attention, frankly, I'm scared to death.

Here's the deal. When I first started this celibacy thing, I did it because I was tired of hooking up with guys who didn't have relationships on their minds -- only relations. At my age, I need more than your typical "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am" situations. After Granny died, I felt like she was watching me, and I didn't want her to see me like that.

After going without for almost a year, I'm having an extreme attack of LSE (Low Self-Esteem). I won't go into it right now, but let's just say that I'm wondering if a guy like him could have any legitimate interest in a girl like me. If and when he calls, I hope my voice won't give me away. I hope I can have a decent conversation with him without my desperation showing. And I hope that he'll be trying to get to know about MackDiva, The Woman, not MackDiva, The Sex Goddess.

Don't get me wrong -- sex is a beautiful thing. However, I've had enough to last a lifetime. Now I'm interested in making love with a guy who loves and respects me in all my splendorous glory. That takes time and energy, and I refuse to invest either of those things in someone whose only purpose in being with me is to get me naked.

Yes, I'm probably overthinking this thing. After all, he might just think I'm cool. Maybe he's looking for a homie to hang out with, someone to kick it with during the game. Either way, I won't know until he calls. Wish me luck...