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Do You Know?

I had a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were discussing her breakup with her husband. Not to go into any details, but it was particularly devastating for her. When it happened, I was living in New York City, and I brought her up for a weekend to get away. We hung out, laughed, joked, partied, got her a new hairdo...the works. She always told me that it was helpful for her. Honestly, I was doing what I thought a friend should do. But I have to tell you -- I had no clue what she was actually going through. I couldn't comprehend the depth of the pain she was experiencing.

Now I do.

After the New Boo debacle -- combined with TMFKATO -- I don't know how people survive that stuff multiple times. I don't know if I could walk upright if I went through this more than once or twice. I see people falling in and out of love all the time. I don't know how they do it.

But can I say that as much as this has hurt, I'm glad to have experienced it. No matter how ugly it is today, I know I was loved at one point. And I loved someone. I gave my heart, and it was a good thing. It didn't stay that way, but it was good when it was. So I have that experience to draw on now. And even the pain is meaningful because now I know what it's like to hurt and I can be more compassionate when faced with it again.

As for me, I'm getting there. I still shed tears. I still miss what those guys represented -- the stability of love and family. But I know that if God let me see it, He's got to be preparing me for it. That's what I really want to believe. Even my current nanny-type situation is getting me ready for something.

The real point of this is that you never know exactly how people are affected by their circumstances. They may walk upright, smile, and laugh, but you really don't know how many deaths they're actually dying in the run of a day. You really don't. That's why we all have to remember what it's like to be in certain situations and cut people some slack.

Because honestly, you really don't know. You just don't.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…