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Another Friday Night...

My period is here. I don't think I've ever been happier to see it.

I was supposed to be going out, but things didn't work out (again) with Tinderfella. I'm beginning to think that my mom was right -- he's cheap. That's okay. I'm not pressed about it either way. If we eventually go, fine. If not, I'm good, too.

Tinderfella doesn't realize this about me, but I can and will lose interest quickly -- especially if I think you're not as interested in something as I am. I'm on the verge of being through with him. And it doesn't help that I'm not physically attracted to him.

That's why I'm back on Tinder.

Please understand -- I don't think I'm ready to date again. But I'm lonely and need something to do. So I'm swiping left and right, hoping that my Mr. Wonderful will be there and be willing to pull me out of my funk.

Tinderfella thinks I might love him. He's REALLY got life mistaken at this point.

Honestly, I'm still in love with New Boo. Well...that's not quite true. I'm in love with the representative he presented to me -- not the person he actually is. I'm still finding it hard to get past that particular lie.

And if I'm really, REALLY honest, I think my heart is about to shut down to the possibility of love. I don't want to, but I swear it's getting easier and easier to see myself alone. Not that I want to be. I just don't know if God will bless me with someone.

I know in my heart that God loves me and wants me to be happy. I also know that He's not going to give me any foolishness. But I sometimes wonder if I've messed up too much for Him to bless me in that department. Again...I know it's not biblical, but I do sometimes wonder.

The more I'd like to think that New Boo was heaven-sent, I realize now that he was a distraction. He was needed to get me away from The Man Formerly Known as The One. But then he changed...turned into a Dr. Jekyll, and I didn't see it coming.

Tinderfella is the one who looks good on paper, but the sex is whack and I can't deal with his hips or the fact that I'll probably never be a priority in his life.

Maybe I just want too much -- a smart, honest, loyal man who's beautiful inside and out. Ugh.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…