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Another Friday Night...

My period is here. I don't think I've ever been happier to see it.

I was supposed to be going out, but things didn't work out (again) with Tinderfella. I'm beginning to think that my mom was right -- he's cheap. That's okay. I'm not pressed about it either way. If we eventually go, fine. If not, I'm good, too.

Tinderfella doesn't realize this about me, but I can and will lose interest quickly -- especially if I think you're not as interested in something as I am. I'm on the verge of being through with him. And it doesn't help that I'm not physically attracted to him.

That's why I'm back on Tinder.

Please understand -- I don't think I'm ready to date again. But I'm lonely and need something to do. So I'm swiping left and right, hoping that my Mr. Wonderful will be there and be willing to pull me out of my funk.

Tinderfella thinks I might love him. He's REALLY got life mistaken at this point.

Honestly, I'm still in love with New Boo. Well...that's not quite true. I'm in love with the representative he presented to me -- not the person he actually is. I'm still finding it hard to get past that particular lie.

And if I'm really, REALLY honest, I think my heart is about to shut down to the possibility of love. I don't want to, but I swear it's getting easier and easier to see myself alone. Not that I want to be. I just don't know if God will bless me with someone.

I know in my heart that God loves me and wants me to be happy. I also know that He's not going to give me any foolishness. But I sometimes wonder if I've messed up too much for Him to bless me in that department. Again...I know it's not biblical, but I do sometimes wonder.

The more I'd like to think that New Boo was heaven-sent, I realize now that he was a distraction. He was needed to get me away from The Man Formerly Known as The One. But then he changed...turned into a Dr. Jekyll, and I didn't see it coming.

Tinderfella is the one who looks good on paper, but the sex is whack and I can't deal with his hips or the fact that I'll probably never be a priority in his life.

Maybe I just want too much -- a smart, honest, loyal man who's beautiful inside and out. Ugh.

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As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.