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Venting

There are times in your life when what you're going through -- while it's major to you -- really doesn't rate anywhere near important in the general scheme of life. That is where I am now.

I am hurt. I am lonely. I am feeling unloved and like no one cares. These are all lies.

Yes, my heart is sore. Yes, I am alone. But I'm not in a place where I have to be alone. I could very easily persuade one of my many friends to hang with me today. But here's where the rub comes in -- because I'm sad, I don't want to impose my mood on anyone.

One of my best friends lost her mother this week. What kind of friend would I be if I called her with the "I Miss New Boo" blues? A selfish one indeed.

One of my other friends is still dealing with the loss of her mother. In addition, she has three children to look after. Will my "I'm feeling fat and old" refrain help her in anyway? Not at all.

And I have a couple of friends who are taking care of sick mothers. Again...my minor things are just drops in the bucket to them.

And I do not blame them. Honestly, I know that the reasons I'm in tears aren't nigh unto death. I know that.

And yet...I cry. I feel like my whole world is caving in and I can't stop it. I know that some of this could possibly be hormonal because it IS that time of the month. But I know it's more than that.

It's the feeling of inadequacy that I just can't shake. The feeling that I'm either not good enough, or pretty enough, or just "enough" for someone to love me. Or that maybe I'm too much and I've been sentenced to live inside my own head for the rest of my miserable life.

I know all of this probably sounds like I'm losing it...and it's quite possible that I am. I've never been here before. I don't know what to do about it. At all.

Tinderfella called me this morning, and he could immediately sense that something was wrong with me. He was like, "Either you're just waking up or something is deeply wrong with you."

I know I'm just a human, but sometimes I don't need people to be able to read me that well. Of course, what can I tell him? I miss the illusion my ex-boyfriend created for me, I'm afraid that I'll never find anything quite that good again, and right now, you and your child-bearing hips aren't measuring up? Uh, yeah...not the conversation I'd be able to have with him -- or anyone.

He cares for me. He tried to make me smile. He doesn't know the depth of what I'm going through. He just thinks I'm a nice person. A person he said the other day that he wanted to prioritize in his life.

Meanwhile, I think he's being deceitful. I just don't know if I should believe him. This makes the third time we've tried to plan something and he's either backed out altogether or just barely done enough to make it seem like he did. Yes, we've not known each other long and no, he's not obligated to me. And to be honest, a lot of this has to do with me comparing him to New Boo...which is SO unfair to him.

When he heard the angst in my voice, he was like, "I know I've got to hurry home tomorrow." As much as I don't think I want to be with him -- purely based on the physical -- I feel like I should give him a real chance. Who knows -- he could be the best thing for me.

I just don't know...

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…