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Venting

There are times in your life when what you're going through -- while it's major to you -- really doesn't rate anywhere near important in the general scheme of life. That is where I am now.

I am hurt. I am lonely. I am feeling unloved and like no one cares. These are all lies.

Yes, my heart is sore. Yes, I am alone. But I'm not in a place where I have to be alone. I could very easily persuade one of my many friends to hang with me today. But here's where the rub comes in -- because I'm sad, I don't want to impose my mood on anyone.

One of my best friends lost her mother this week. What kind of friend would I be if I called her with the "I Miss New Boo" blues? A selfish one indeed.

One of my other friends is still dealing with the loss of her mother. In addition, she has three children to look after. Will my "I'm feeling fat and old" refrain help her in anyway? Not at all.

And I have a couple of friends who are taking care of sick mothers. Again...my minor things are just drops in the bucket to them.

And I do not blame them. Honestly, I know that the reasons I'm in tears aren't nigh unto death. I know that.

And yet...I cry. I feel like my whole world is caving in and I can't stop it. I know that some of this could possibly be hormonal because it IS that time of the month. But I know it's more than that.

It's the feeling of inadequacy that I just can't shake. The feeling that I'm either not good enough, or pretty enough, or just "enough" for someone to love me. Or that maybe I'm too much and I've been sentenced to live inside my own head for the rest of my miserable life.

I know all of this probably sounds like I'm losing it...and it's quite possible that I am. I've never been here before. I don't know what to do about it. At all.

Tinderfella called me this morning, and he could immediately sense that something was wrong with me. He was like, "Either you're just waking up or something is deeply wrong with you."

I know I'm just a human, but sometimes I don't need people to be able to read me that well. Of course, what can I tell him? I miss the illusion my ex-boyfriend created for me, I'm afraid that I'll never find anything quite that good again, and right now, you and your child-bearing hips aren't measuring up? Uh, yeah...not the conversation I'd be able to have with him -- or anyone.

He cares for me. He tried to make me smile. He doesn't know the depth of what I'm going through. He just thinks I'm a nice person. A person he said the other day that he wanted to prioritize in his life.

Meanwhile, I think he's being deceitful. I just don't know if I should believe him. This makes the third time we've tried to plan something and he's either backed out altogether or just barely done enough to make it seem like he did. Yes, we've not known each other long and no, he's not obligated to me. And to be honest, a lot of this has to do with me comparing him to New Boo...which is SO unfair to him.

When he heard the angst in my voice, he was like, "I know I've got to hurry home tomorrow." As much as I don't think I want to be with him -- purely based on the physical -- I feel like I should give him a real chance. Who knows -- he could be the best thing for me.

I just don't know...

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.