Skip to main content

Venting

There are times in your life when what you're going through -- while it's major to you -- really doesn't rate anywhere near important in the general scheme of life. That is where I am now.

I am hurt. I am lonely. I am feeling unloved and like no one cares. These are all lies.

Yes, my heart is sore. Yes, I am alone. But I'm not in a place where I have to be alone. I could very easily persuade one of my many friends to hang with me today. But here's where the rub comes in -- because I'm sad, I don't want to impose my mood on anyone.

One of my best friends lost her mother this week. What kind of friend would I be if I called her with the "I Miss New Boo" blues? A selfish one indeed.

One of my other friends is still dealing with the loss of her mother. In addition, she has three children to look after. Will my "I'm feeling fat and old" refrain help her in anyway? Not at all.

And I have a couple of friends who are taking care of sick mothers. Again...my minor things are just drops in the bucket to them.

And I do not blame them. Honestly, I know that the reasons I'm in tears aren't nigh unto death. I know that.

And yet...I cry. I feel like my whole world is caving in and I can't stop it. I know that some of this could possibly be hormonal because it IS that time of the month. But I know it's more than that.

It's the feeling of inadequacy that I just can't shake. The feeling that I'm either not good enough, or pretty enough, or just "enough" for someone to love me. Or that maybe I'm too much and I've been sentenced to live inside my own head for the rest of my miserable life.

I know all of this probably sounds like I'm losing it...and it's quite possible that I am. I've never been here before. I don't know what to do about it. At all.

Tinderfella called me this morning, and he could immediately sense that something was wrong with me. He was like, "Either you're just waking up or something is deeply wrong with you."

I know I'm just a human, but sometimes I don't need people to be able to read me that well. Of course, what can I tell him? I miss the illusion my ex-boyfriend created for me, I'm afraid that I'll never find anything quite that good again, and right now, you and your child-bearing hips aren't measuring up? Uh, yeah...not the conversation I'd be able to have with him -- or anyone.

He cares for me. He tried to make me smile. He doesn't know the depth of what I'm going through. He just thinks I'm a nice person. A person he said the other day that he wanted to prioritize in his life.

Meanwhile, I think he's being deceitful. I just don't know if I should believe him. This makes the third time we've tried to plan something and he's either backed out altogether or just barely done enough to make it seem like he did. Yes, we've not known each other long and no, he's not obligated to me. And to be honest, a lot of this has to do with me comparing him to New Boo...which is SO unfair to him.

When he heard the angst in my voice, he was like, "I know I've got to hurry home tomorrow." As much as I don't think I want to be with him -- purely based on the physical -- I feel like I should give him a real chance. Who knows -- he could be the best thing for me.

I just don't know...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Baby...

I heard from The Baby today. The Baby is a young man I met at work. Nice enough guy...he's 29...new to the radio game...and tall and lanky like I like 'em. He showed up at our studios because he was caught in the throes of his format's contract negotiations. When I saw him, I was kinda speechless. Not because he was cute -- he was -- but because I NEVER see other chocolate faces at my job. The conversation we had was one part interesting, one part amusing, but completely charming. Even though my interest in him was purely professional, we exchanged numbers. See, in addition to working as a radio engineer, he also has the inside track to this weekly show I like. For me, that was it. We exchanged a few texts, but nothing major. Then, one day he said that we should hang out. Since I'm always down for an adventure, I accepted. We ended up spending the day at the beach. We had a good time, but there were some definite red flags for me... For one, he didn't tip ...

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th...

To Cook or Not to Cook

I was having a discussion with a couple of friends about whether or not a woman should be required to cook for a man. My girlfriend and I pretty much agree that we have to be inspired to bust a move with the pots and pans. In this day and age where the men we've encountered feel entitled to certain privileges, we believe that he has to do more than just call us a couple of times and come over to kick it to earn a MackDiva-licious meal. On the flip side, the brother we were talking to said he didn't really want to get serious with a woman whose idea of a culinary feat was tacos. We asked him whether he'd cook for his woman. His response? "Well, if I really wanted to impress her, I'd throw it down with my jerk chicken recipe." Upon further examination, we discovered that his need to impress was in direct correlation to some form of inspiration from the woman. At the end of the day, both men and women want a lot of the same things. However, because we speak diffe...