There are times in everyone's life when things become crystal clear. Even if they weren't before that moment, the minute it happens, everything you wondered about comes into sharp focus.
I had two such moments today.
The first one is that I'm scared of the possibility of being 45 and alone. I thought for sure by now that SOMEONE would want me enough to take me off the market. Sadly, that hasn't happened. And with 45 being just under three months away, I don't know that Prince Charming will show up before my deadline.
This is causing me way more pain that I want to admit. I'd like to say that my single life is so wonderful that I don't need a man. And to be clear, I guess "need" is a strong word. I just don't want to be old and alone. I want to have the dedicated love of a man every day. Whether it's washing the dishes or making me long for him in the wee hours of the morning, I want someone here with me.
The other thing I realized is that Tinderfella ain't the one. Yes, he looks good on paper -- a plus for me because I never find those guys -- but I'm not attracted to him. I saw him today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was waddling down the street with his child-bearing hips, and I realized that I wanted the gay man I was talking to on the corner more than him. I also remember how turned on and excited I'd be when I'd see New Boo walk up to me anywhere.
I guess that's really the sum total of what's going on with me today. I desperately miss what I thought New Boo and I had. Even though it has since been proven to be a lie, I'm finding it hard to shake my want of it. After giving my all to him, I wonder if I've finally depleted my resources for love. Or worse -- if I've gotten too old to be lovable in the way that now know I need.
Maybe all these thoughts are irrational. Maybe I'm just losing it. After all, I know God loves me too much to leave me like this. But the frailty of my humanity is having a hard time with anything positive right now. I hate it when it gets like this.
I had two such moments today.
The first one is that I'm scared of the possibility of being 45 and alone. I thought for sure by now that SOMEONE would want me enough to take me off the market. Sadly, that hasn't happened. And with 45 being just under three months away, I don't know that Prince Charming will show up before my deadline.
This is causing me way more pain that I want to admit. I'd like to say that my single life is so wonderful that I don't need a man. And to be clear, I guess "need" is a strong word. I just don't want to be old and alone. I want to have the dedicated love of a man every day. Whether it's washing the dishes or making me long for him in the wee hours of the morning, I want someone here with me.
The other thing I realized is that Tinderfella ain't the one. Yes, he looks good on paper -- a plus for me because I never find those guys -- but I'm not attracted to him. I saw him today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was waddling down the street with his child-bearing hips, and I realized that I wanted the gay man I was talking to on the corner more than him. I also remember how turned on and excited I'd be when I'd see New Boo walk up to me anywhere.
I guess that's really the sum total of what's going on with me today. I desperately miss what I thought New Boo and I had. Even though it has since been proven to be a lie, I'm finding it hard to shake my want of it. After giving my all to him, I wonder if I've finally depleted my resources for love. Or worse -- if I've gotten too old to be lovable in the way that now know I need.
Maybe all these thoughts are irrational. Maybe I'm just losing it. After all, I know God loves me too much to leave me like this. But the frailty of my humanity is having a hard time with anything positive right now. I hate it when it gets like this.
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