Skip to main content

Where I am Today

There are times in everyone's life when things become crystal clear. Even if they weren't before that moment, the minute it happens, everything you wondered about comes into sharp focus.

I had two such moments today.

The first one is that I'm scared of the possibility of being 45 and alone. I thought for sure by now that SOMEONE would want me enough to take me off the market. Sadly, that hasn't happened. And with 45 being just under three months away, I don't know that Prince Charming will show up before my deadline.

This is causing me way more pain that I want to admit. I'd like to say that my single life is so wonderful that I don't need a man. And to be clear, I guess "need" is a strong word. I just don't want to be old and alone. I want to have the dedicated love of a man every day. Whether it's washing the dishes or making me long for him in the wee hours of the morning, I want someone here with me.

The other thing I realized is that Tinderfella ain't the one. Yes, he looks good on paper -- a plus for me because I never find those guys -- but I'm not attracted to him. I saw him today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was waddling down the street with his child-bearing hips, and I realized that I wanted the gay man I was talking to on the corner more than him. I also remember how turned on and excited I'd be when I'd see New Boo walk up to me anywhere.

I guess that's really the sum total of what's going on with me today. I desperately miss what I thought New Boo and I had. Even though it has since been proven to be a lie, I'm finding it hard to shake my want of it. After giving my all to him, I wonder if I've finally depleted my resources for love. Or worse -- if I've gotten too old to be lovable in the way that now know I need.

Maybe all these thoughts are irrational. Maybe I'm just losing it. After all, I know God loves me too much to leave me like this. But the frailty of my humanity is having a hard time with anything positive right now. I hate it when it gets like this.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.