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Where I am Today

There are times in everyone's life when things become crystal clear. Even if they weren't before that moment, the minute it happens, everything you wondered about comes into sharp focus.

I had two such moments today.

The first one is that I'm scared of the possibility of being 45 and alone. I thought for sure by now that SOMEONE would want me enough to take me off the market. Sadly, that hasn't happened. And with 45 being just under three months away, I don't know that Prince Charming will show up before my deadline.

This is causing me way more pain that I want to admit. I'd like to say that my single life is so wonderful that I don't need a man. And to be clear, I guess "need" is a strong word. I just don't want to be old and alone. I want to have the dedicated love of a man every day. Whether it's washing the dishes or making me long for him in the wee hours of the morning, I want someone here with me.

The other thing I realized is that Tinderfella ain't the one. Yes, he looks good on paper -- a plus for me because I never find those guys -- but I'm not attracted to him. I saw him today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was waddling down the street with his child-bearing hips, and I realized that I wanted the gay man I was talking to on the corner more than him. I also remember how turned on and excited I'd be when I'd see New Boo walk up to me anywhere.

I guess that's really the sum total of what's going on with me today. I desperately miss what I thought New Boo and I had. Even though it has since been proven to be a lie, I'm finding it hard to shake my want of it. After giving my all to him, I wonder if I've finally depleted my resources for love. Or worse -- if I've gotten too old to be lovable in the way that now know I need.

Maybe all these thoughts are irrational. Maybe I'm just losing it. After all, I know God loves me too much to leave me like this. But the frailty of my humanity is having a hard time with anything positive right now. I hate it when it gets like this.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.