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What Do You Need...

When a person dies, one of the first things people ask the survivors is, "What do you need?" It's a common question borne out of love for either the person who passed or the person who's left. Either way, it's a sincere question because people want to help.

Of course, when a relationship dies, there is no such outpouring of sympathy. After all, the person you were formerly linked to is still up and walking, so there is no physical death in the picture. And no matter how hurt you are, no one's going to equate it with the mourning that actually goes on when your hopes and dreams are cast into the sea, never to be spoken of again.

Now that my friend's mom is gone, I want be of assistance to her. But in my current state of fluctuating emotions, I almost feel useless. Of course, I'll do my best to suck it up because -- let's be honest -- who's REALLY checking for me and my foolish feelings at a time like this? And what kind of jerk would I be to try to impose them on any real situation?

To be clear, I KNOW my situation with New Boo isn't real. It ceased to be real when we broke up. But now it exists in my head where it has a whole new life. Honestly, it's worse for me now because I don't have any limits, no reality, to measure it against. All of my memories can live, move, and have being now. And when I replay them in my head, I become the judge and the jury on the whole relationship. I see where I was wrong. I see where I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I see how much blame I need to walk away with and how much of this situation belongs to him. And I can't do anything to stop what has become of us.

That's the ultimate issue -- the powerlessness I feel.

Here's what I really need. I need to get myself together and get my life back. I need to stop thinking that this failed relationship is the end of my life as I know it. I need to act like the chick I know I can be and stop wallowing in this foolishness.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.