Skip to main content

What Do You Need...

When a person dies, one of the first things people ask the survivors is, "What do you need?" It's a common question borne out of love for either the person who passed or the person who's left. Either way, it's a sincere question because people want to help.

Of course, when a relationship dies, there is no such outpouring of sympathy. After all, the person you were formerly linked to is still up and walking, so there is no physical death in the picture. And no matter how hurt you are, no one's going to equate it with the mourning that actually goes on when your hopes and dreams are cast into the sea, never to be spoken of again.

Now that my friend's mom is gone, I want be of assistance to her. But in my current state of fluctuating emotions, I almost feel useless. Of course, I'll do my best to suck it up because -- let's be honest -- who's REALLY checking for me and my foolish feelings at a time like this? And what kind of jerk would I be to try to impose them on any real situation?

To be clear, I KNOW my situation with New Boo isn't real. It ceased to be real when we broke up. But now it exists in my head where it has a whole new life. Honestly, it's worse for me now because I don't have any limits, no reality, to measure it against. All of my memories can live, move, and have being now. And when I replay them in my head, I become the judge and the jury on the whole relationship. I see where I was wrong. I see where I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I see how much blame I need to walk away with and how much of this situation belongs to him. And I can't do anything to stop what has become of us.

That's the ultimate issue -- the powerlessness I feel.

Here's what I really need. I need to get myself together and get my life back. I need to stop thinking that this failed relationship is the end of my life as I know it. I need to act like the chick I know I can be and stop wallowing in this foolishness.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.