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Rock Bottom

I finally did it. I finally hit rock bottom in this thing with New Boo. Here's how it happened...

My day began innocently enough. I have to admit that I thought everything was going to be okay. I had a cooking class scheduled and then I was meeting my co-workers for a rousing evening at Medieval Times. (And before you ask, it was NOT my idea.)

So I'm late to the cooking class and the stuff made me sick. Then I get to my job for a meeting and the trip to MT, and I felt awful. But I soldiered on and had a good time in spite of myself.

Then we left to go home, and that's when things got weird. My original plan was to get off at Times Square and Uber home. But I decided against it. Then I made the fatal mistake of moving toward the front of the bus right when the driver said, "Does anyone need Penn Station?"

I do NOT need Penn Station, but New Boo works across the street at Macy's. And I've been having a fit to see him. I thought to myself, maybe if I see him with his new girlfriend, I'll be able to walk away from this thing once and for all. So I get off the bus. And that's when my adventure began.

I started in the bar I knew he liked in Penn. He wasn't there. I went to the place we got great wings and waffle fries. No sign of him. That's when I started to feel like a stalker and decided to go home. But wait -- I hadn't actually checked the store area or the street around it. So what did I do? I went and parked myself in front of the employee entrance and waited. I was there for a good 20 minutes, and he didn't come out.

While I waited, I tried to text a couple of sympathetic friends to talk me off this particular ledge. Both of them in Texas, neither of them much help. I finally got on the train and went home.

To say I'm disgusted with myself is an gross understatement. Never in my life have I stalked someone like that. And then I was buggin' thinking about what in the world would I have done if I saw him. Would I have burst into tears or would I have followed them to see exactly the nature of their relationship?

Let's be clear -- he has NO obligation to me whatsoever. He is not required to care about me or my feelings at any given point now that we aren't a couple.

But I love him. I miss him. I want him back in the worst way.

The absolute worst part of this? HE probably could't care less. He's moving on with his life, giving his love to someone else, and leaving me in the dust the same way he found me.

Well...not exactly the same way. He broke me. Guys have always said that they wanted to "break" me, like that was a good thing to do. He never said that, but he has truly broken my heart, my hopes, and all my dreams. I don't want to be bitter about this. I really don't. After all, I'm sure I'm not the first woman nor will I be the last to find herself on the wrong side of love and loneliness. But I feel so different this time. And I hate it. And I hate myself for allowing this.

I really have no words that'll adequately sum up, rectify, or justify this situation in my head. So I'll just cry it out and hope for a better tomorrow.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.