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What I Need...

Now that I've had a few days to recover, I know what I need.

It's NOT New Boo.

As much as I love him and want to keep him in my life, I realize he's not good for me. He doesn't want to be my friend, and I refuse to beg for his friendship. All he wants to do is use me. His goal is to have enough options so he doesn't have to sleep on the train. As I told him when he was here, I am NOT an option. I have to be a priority. And that's where I'm leaving it with him. The next time he contacts me, I'm not going to be available.

As far as Tinderfella is concerned, I think he's adorable. But the sex thing is a concern of mine. I think he's a great guy. But I know me -- I don't think I can take him seriously like that. I'm sure he could be worked with and taught...but he deserves more than someone who's willing to work with him. He needs someone who could adore him. I don't know if I could ever really be that one.

If New Boo and I had made it, today would've been our one-year anniversary.

I look back at what was going on this day a year ago, and I still wonder how it all could've changed so quickly. But I realize that no matter how much I wanted our love to work, I couldn't make it happen by myself. And I couldn't make a man-child grow up into a fully-formed human. So even though I am somewhat sad about the situation, I know that I'm doing the right thing by walking away from him.

Now it's time to move on. Tinderfella and I can be great friends if he can get over me. I don't know if he can. I feel him pulling away from me because, in his words, I "turned him out" the other night. Sadly, he did NOT do that to me.

At this point, I think I just need to learn how to be by myself.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.