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What a Difference...

My friend said to me, "How did you manage to let him change your life in the course of a year?"

I didn't know how to tell her.

We were going to Brooklyn for an annual party that our friends give. When I went last year, I ended my night with New Boo because he didn't live far from there. This year, I hesitated to go. And when we got off the train and started walking toward the house, my heart was flooded with the memory of that night and I was sad. So much had changed in a year.

When she asked me that, I knew I couldn't speak without tears, so I walked along in silence.

Here's the deal -- while it seemed to my friends that I was giving up my life, I didn't feel that way. I thought we were building a life together. That's what he told me -- that it would be me and him. And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to believe it.

Did I like my life? Sure. But I realize that I wanted more out of it. I wanted someone to belong to. I wanted someone who gave a damn about me. I wanted to feel like I was a part of something bigger. And I wanted a family.

That's what this relationship was to me -- the building of a family. I thought we were knitting our lives together so we could make a future complete with memories and everything.

Basically, I was investing in my forever.

A year later, I see that wasn't the case at all.

What I see now is that I was a part of the selfish vision of a selfish man. A selfish, childish man who couldn't offer what he asked for. By the time I found this out, I was too far in to just let go.

So I cry. I look sad. I try not to think of this man who sold me a bill of goods for a situation he never intended to let happen. And while I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, I'm not there yet.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.