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What a Difference...

My friend said to me, "How did you manage to let him change your life in the course of a year?"

I didn't know how to tell her.

We were going to Brooklyn for an annual party that our friends give. When I went last year, I ended my night with New Boo because he didn't live far from there. This year, I hesitated to go. And when we got off the train and started walking toward the house, my heart was flooded with the memory of that night and I was sad. So much had changed in a year.

When she asked me that, I knew I couldn't speak without tears, so I walked along in silence.

Here's the deal -- while it seemed to my friends that I was giving up my life, I didn't feel that way. I thought we were building a life together. That's what he told me -- that it would be me and him. And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to believe it.

Did I like my life? Sure. But I realize that I wanted more out of it. I wanted someone to belong to. I wanted someone who gave a damn about me. I wanted to feel like I was a part of something bigger. And I wanted a family.

That's what this relationship was to me -- the building of a family. I thought we were knitting our lives together so we could make a future complete with memories and everything.

Basically, I was investing in my forever.

A year later, I see that wasn't the case at all.

What I see now is that I was a part of the selfish vision of a selfish man. A selfish, childish man who couldn't offer what he asked for. By the time I found this out, I was too far in to just let go.

So I cry. I look sad. I try not to think of this man who sold me a bill of goods for a situation he never intended to let happen. And while I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, I'm not there yet.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…