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That Some Kinda Way Kinda Day

You know how you can feel "some kinda way," but not really know why? It finally hit me why I'm feeling some kinda way today.

I am officially old.

Now, I must admit that this wasn't a new revelation. As a human, I've been aging since the day I was born. I fight it to the death with hair dye, cute clothes, etc. But yesterday -- the same day I would've celebrated my one-year anniversary with New Boo -- I found out that I need new glasses. Not just ANY new glasses. I need progressive lenses. If you're not familiar with that terminology, it's basically the new way to say you need bifocals.

I was crushed, to say the least.

Here I am, a single woman with no children and no prospects for a husband with graying hair and now a need for bifocals. Who the hell is going to want me now? What the hell am I supposed to do? With every other thing that's happened this year, I think I've tried to be positive and hold on to hope that it could happen for me. This diagnosis -- while I was able to be pleasant at my doctor's office -- really has sent me into a tailspin.

It's almost like saying that everything I ever wanted has officially passed me by.

Maybe I'm overreacting. I know it's possible. But I really don't know what to do. And of course, there's really no one I can talk to that'll understand exactly how I feel. Everyone will try to tell me that my life isn't over. And they'll be right -- a prescription for progressive lenses isn't a cancer diagnosis. But right now, it feels as life-ending.

If the glasses don't look good, I'll never be able to go out again -- at least not to the lounges and clubs reserved for my younger friends. If I was safely ensconced in a marriage -- or at the very least a relationship with potential -- I could talk to my man about it and he could tell me that I was crazy or that it really doesn't matter because he loves me just the way I am.

So here I am...stuck with the sum total of my thoughts. In most cultures, this would be an ice cream, wine, or some other vice kinda night. But I kinda don't want to do that. I kinda want to make the wings I thawed out and get some McDonald's fries to go with them. That way, I can be semi-healthy as I wallow.

And yes, I'm going to wallow tonight. But once it's over, I'm going back to my life. I'm going to remember that I'm loved regardless of whether I have a man in my life. I'm going to try to figure out how I can be nice to all the kids in my life so that they won't scoff at caring for me when I get too old to do it myself. And I'm going to remember that I'm enough and I'm okay just the way I am.

That's tomorrow. Tonight, we wallow.


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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.