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Chicken Roosting & Other Thoughts

I think my friends have abandoned me. In a lot of ways, they didn't really understand how painful and devastating this New Boo chapter was for me. They didn't understand why I couldn't just suck it up and keep moving. They couldn't understand the crippling effect it had on me...and I haven't been able to explain it to them.

So I keep to myself. I wallow in the pain of my own imprisonment and I try not to cry EVERY day. As much as it probably seems like I don't, I really DO want to move from this place. I just don't know how...and I need someone to come snatch me out of here. But my friends think I'm weak and that I handled this thing stupidly, so they have no sympathy for me.

And here's the killer -- I don't think I blame them. If I'd heard my story from someone else, I'd probably think and do the same thing. I'd probably feel like the girl in question was such an idiot that she wouldn't deserve anything -- sympathy or otherwise -- from me. And I'd probably talk about her like a dog, too.

This is probably what they mean when they say that your chickens are coming home to roost. Lord knows I've been hard on some situations in my day because I just didn't understand the pain. Before New Boo, I never hung my hopes and dreams on a man or a situation. So I'd never been that profoundly disappointed in anything before.

I honestly wish that it was possible to go back in time and ask for forgiveness. I now understand your pain. I know what it's like to REALLY love someone who refuses to love you back. I know what it's like to give your all only to have it thrown in your face like yesterday's garbage. And I now what it's like to believe in someone who'll never be what you need them to be.

Yes...what goes around comes around. And now it's come back on me.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…