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Chicken Roosting & Other Thoughts

I think my friends have abandoned me. In a lot of ways, they didn't really understand how painful and devastating this New Boo chapter was for me. They didn't understand why I couldn't just suck it up and keep moving. They couldn't understand the crippling effect it had on me...and I haven't been able to explain it to them.

So I keep to myself. I wallow in the pain of my own imprisonment and I try not to cry EVERY day. As much as it probably seems like I don't, I really DO want to move from this place. I just don't know how...and I need someone to come snatch me out of here. But my friends think I'm weak and that I handled this thing stupidly, so they have no sympathy for me.

And here's the killer -- I don't think I blame them. If I'd heard my story from someone else, I'd probably think and do the same thing. I'd probably feel like the girl in question was such an idiot that she wouldn't deserve anything -- sympathy or otherwise -- from me. And I'd probably talk about her like a dog, too.

This is probably what they mean when they say that your chickens are coming home to roost. Lord knows I've been hard on some situations in my day because I just didn't understand the pain. Before New Boo, I never hung my hopes and dreams on a man or a situation. So I'd never been that profoundly disappointed in anything before.

I honestly wish that it was possible to go back in time and ask for forgiveness. I now understand your pain. I know what it's like to REALLY love someone who refuses to love you back. I know what it's like to give your all only to have it thrown in your face like yesterday's garbage. And I now what it's like to believe in someone who'll never be what you need them to be.

Yes...what goes around comes around. And now it's come back on me.

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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.