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Stood Up

So Tinderfella and I are supposed to be going on our first date.

I'm waiting.

He said that work got in the way of him being on time for our first date. The date I've spent half the day crying and stressing over. Crying because it still feels like I'm cheating on New Boo when I deal with anyone else, and stressing because I didn't do laundry so I had to try to figure out what to wear.

I'm one step from angry.

And please understand -- I usually run late. But because it's a first date, I made it a point to get it together. Now my house isn't completely ready...and I guess I have time to do that. But I'm kinda leaving it incomplete so I won't be tempted to bring him upstairs and do dirty things with him. Because I'm not emotionally ready to let myself go down that path with anyone. But now that he's late -- almost 30 minutes -- I'm tempted to call it off.

I'm really not ready to date again, but I need to get out. And I won't do it alone. So I wait. But I'm getting angry. Ugh.

Now we're not going.

Apparently he's on a videoconference with some Japanese people. I know he's a business owner, and I know things happen. But I'm upset. I blew off my friends for this. I'm going to learn.

I swear I'm going to learn how to prioritize my life. I'm going to learn who to put first -- and it doesn't need to be a man.
I'm going to learn to make myself the priority.
I'm going to stop being so needy.
I'm going to stop crying because I miss New Boo so much.
I'm going to try my best not to feel like two cents worth of nothing because, yet again, I hung all my hopes on a situation that had no reason to be that much.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…