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The Aftermath...

He says he wants to fall in love with me.

He's making plans in the future for me.

He sounds like he wants to be with me.

So why do I think he's full of it?

After last night's failed date -- and my subsequent meltdown -- I really don't know what to do. I like Tinderfella, but I don't know if I'm ready or able to believe again. Am I wrong to feel this way? A lot of me thinks I am.

And I'm realizing that I'll never be number one with him because he has a family. Honestly, I think I need to be a man's top priority -- behind God and his job, of course. But I know I won't be with this one.

It's funny. I told him I was a mess, but until last night, I didn't really know what that meant. Sure, I know my heart is in disarray. But I didn't realize that any little setback could destroy me the way it did last night. I honestly felt like all of my hopes and dreams had been crushed and ground into powder. Let's just say I don't like that feeling.

I hate what I've become.

Now I see why people get bitter. And it's probably not so much bitter, but tired of being hurt. I don't know...it could just be me right now. I hate feeling like I can't talk to anyone, but I'm still so teary and no one wants to talk to me when I'm crying.

So I write and try to get it out so I can put up some sort of front for the people around me. So they won't think I'm as weak as I am. They won't see how shattered and broken I am -- and believe me when I tell you, I am completely heartbroken. And I don't know if I'll ever be myself again.

That's the part that really stings. I like me. But this thing has made me a different person, and I hate that. This is what would make me hate New Boo. This is what he wanted, though. He wanted me to hate him.

And then there's Tinderfella.

He still sounds like he likes me. He still seems to want to be with me. But I don't know if it's fair to subject him to what I'm going through. I want to discuss it with him, but why? What can he do -- other than utter pretty words that might make me feel better -- or could possibly make me feel worse. I don't know...it's just a whole lot to deal with.

And honestly, does he deserve this? Does he deserve to be with someone who's so messed up that missed date becomes an issue? Does anyone?

I don't know anything anymore. I wish someone would just come in and make everything alright.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…