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The Aftermath...

He says he wants to fall in love with me.

He's making plans in the future for me.

He sounds like he wants to be with me.

So why do I think he's full of it?

After last night's failed date -- and my subsequent meltdown -- I really don't know what to do. I like Tinderfella, but I don't know if I'm ready or able to believe again. Am I wrong to feel this way? A lot of me thinks I am.

And I'm realizing that I'll never be number one with him because he has a family. Honestly, I think I need to be a man's top priority -- behind God and his job, of course. But I know I won't be with this one.

It's funny. I told him I was a mess, but until last night, I didn't really know what that meant. Sure, I know my heart is in disarray. But I didn't realize that any little setback could destroy me the way it did last night. I honestly felt like all of my hopes and dreams had been crushed and ground into powder. Let's just say I don't like that feeling.

I hate what I've become.

Now I see why people get bitter. And it's probably not so much bitter, but tired of being hurt. I don't know...it could just be me right now. I hate feeling like I can't talk to anyone, but I'm still so teary and no one wants to talk to me when I'm crying.

So I write and try to get it out so I can put up some sort of front for the people around me. So they won't think I'm as weak as I am. They won't see how shattered and broken I am -- and believe me when I tell you, I am completely heartbroken. And I don't know if I'll ever be myself again.

That's the part that really stings. I like me. But this thing has made me a different person, and I hate that. This is what would make me hate New Boo. This is what he wanted, though. He wanted me to hate him.

And then there's Tinderfella.

He still sounds like he likes me. He still seems to want to be with me. But I don't know if it's fair to subject him to what I'm going through. I want to discuss it with him, but why? What can he do -- other than utter pretty words that might make me feel better -- or could possibly make me feel worse. I don't know...it's just a whole lot to deal with.

And honestly, does he deserve this? Does he deserve to be with someone who's so messed up that missed date becomes an issue? Does anyone?

I don't know anything anymore. I wish someone would just come in and make everything alright.

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