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Undone...Still

"A broken heart is a broken heart. To take a measure is cruelty."

It's been almost four months since New Boo and I broke up, and I'm still broken. Undone. Forever changed. I'm sure I'll be back to myself eventually, but I know I'll never be the same. My heart will never be able to trust the way it did before him.

It's a death -- plain and simple. No matter how you look at it, my love, my hopes, and my dreams have died. And my heart has been shattered. I couldn't put it back together if I tried.

There's no cure for heartbreak. There just isn't.

And here's the killer -- I know it's possible to get over these things. I've seen people do it for years. I have to wonder how my mom handled the heartbreaks of her life. Or my grandmother.

I realize that in the general scheme of life, my issues are very minor. People get their hearts broken every day. People get disappointed every day. People wake up alone every day. People's dreams are shattered every single day. People lose loved ones who really cared for them every day. I get that. I KNOW what I'm going through isn't that deep.

But it's deep to me. It hurts me. It makes me cry. It make me feel inadequate and small and insignificant. It breaks me to my core. And I feel like a fraud because even though I get up and move around every day, all I really want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.

I never thought I'd be this girl. Never in a million years.

And if I'm honest with myself today, it's so much more than just the breakup. It's the let down. I honestly thought he loved me. I thought he cared. I believed him when he said we were each other's last dates. I thought we'd grow old together.

I was ready for that. I set my heart on that. I put all my eggs into THAT basket. And now that basket has been tossed in the garbage like yesterday's leftovers.

Yesterday was especially hard. I went back to the scene of the crime. I went back to the place where we fell in love...where we became an "us." I was doing fine...really I was...until we came to the part where my friend was talking about the emergency contact feature on iPhones. I didn't know you could access it from the emergency screen. So she showed us, and I realized I'd already set it up. It listed New Boo as my partner. I literally almost fell to pieces. Fortunately, she was there to edit it and get it out of there, but the damage was done.

My homegirl asked me why it was so hard for me to get over this. I guess the short answer is that I don't want to. I want HIM to get over whatever HE'S going through and come back to me. I want HIM to want ME as much as I want him. I want to be the one who's being cried over.

In other words, I want HIM to stop the shenanigans and come home to what we had.

I realize that won't happen.

So I have to try to cope and move on.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.