Skip to main content

In My Feelings, Part 2

So I'm in my feelings. Again.

Here's the deal. I told you last time that I'd be having a biopsy this week. That happens tomorrow. I thought my homegirl would be able to go with me, but she's got an engagement to attend that she just can't get out of. So guess who said they'd go with me? You guessed it -- My Teddy Bear.

Here's the problem with that -- I don't know if he's ready for the mess I might be afterwards. Heck, I don't know if I'M ready for the mess I might be. The way I see it, there's only one honeymoon period in a relationship...one time when they think you're absolutely the best thing ever. He doesn't know I snore, and he thinks that I smell like juices and berries all the time. This situation could render me human in his eyes.

And of course, because I'm the one who thinks things all the way through, I wonder if he'll see me as damaged goods. I always fight that thought anyway, but now there won't be a doubt. What if I can't have children? He loves kids, and I can't see him not wanting them. If the worst case scenario were to be true, would I be enough for him? Would he still want to be with me if he knew that I'm all he'll ever have?

I know I'm being irrational. If he really likes me, he'll be here. He'll think I'm okay. He won't run when the going gets tough.

But this is the beginning. He hasn't seen me naked. What if I disappoint him? With all that's going on, what if I'm not the same?

I really need to get out of this house...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

Post Mortem on The Breakup

So...I told you that I'd finally given My Teddy Bear the boot...

...Or so I thought.

Apparently I didn't use the right words when I gave him his walking papers. He's under the impression that we're "on a break" and that we're still together.

 That is NOT the impression I wanted to give him.

But what do you say when a man is sobbing?

I said, "Let's just step back and heal ourselves and revisit this later." What I should've said was, "It's been fun, but I'm done, son."

Now he wants to talk to me. In person. I don't want to.

But if I do...I have something to say. He won't like it.

What I want to say is that we've all experienced loss. The difference is that we don't wallow in it. We know how to mourn the loss and move on. We never forget, but we release the pain of it and learn to treasure the time we had with the person.

What I found is that he wallows. That's why he eats the way he does. Instead of mo…