Skip to main content

In My Feelings, Part 2

So I'm in my feelings. Again.

Here's the deal. I told you last time that I'd be having a biopsy this week. That happens tomorrow. I thought my homegirl would be able to go with me, but she's got an engagement to attend that she just can't get out of. So guess who said they'd go with me? You guessed it -- My Teddy Bear.

Here's the problem with that -- I don't know if he's ready for the mess I might be afterwards. Heck, I don't know if I'M ready for the mess I might be. The way I see it, there's only one honeymoon period in a relationship...one time when they think you're absolutely the best thing ever. He doesn't know I snore, and he thinks that I smell like juices and berries all the time. This situation could render me human in his eyes.

And of course, because I'm the one who thinks things all the way through, I wonder if he'll see me as damaged goods. I always fight that thought anyway, but now there won't be a doubt. What if I can't have children? He loves kids, and I can't see him not wanting them. If the worst case scenario were to be true, would I be enough for him? Would he still want to be with me if he knew that I'm all he'll ever have?

I know I'm being irrational. If he really likes me, he'll be here. He'll think I'm okay. He won't run when the going gets tough.

But this is the beginning. He hasn't seen me naked. What if I disappoint him? With all that's going on, what if I'm not the same?

I really need to get out of this house...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

He's Gone...For Real

My uncle died. He actually ceased to live. I don't know how to handle this. Even though he was my mother's brother, he was so much more than that to me. He was the coolest cat on the block, He set the standard that every man had to meet. He was the one I compared every man in my life to. For all intents and purposes, he was my de facto dad. I am stunned. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of my body. I grew up watching him. If he sat up straight, I wanted to sit up straight. I once caught him standing up to pee. I thought I'd do that when I grew up, too. (You can just imagine that conversation). That's the thing...he never shied away from my craziness. When I discovered what a father was -- at the tender age of five -- I purposed in my heart to find one for myself. I asked every man I knew, including him, if they'd be my daddy. He said, "I can't be your dad. I'm your uncle." When I pressed, he gently explained that he already had a significan...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Own My Tears

I own my tears. I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you. Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud... I own my tears. New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life. I own my tears. I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you ...
1 comment
Read more

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th...
5 comments
Read more