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In My Feelings...

I'm feeling some kinda way, so please bear with me. So much has happened since we last spoke.

For one, the new guy -- who I'm gonna call My Teddy Bear -- is awesome. I know they all start off that way, but I swear he's different. For one, he's real. What that means is that he's not looking for perfection. He sees me just like I am -- flaws and all -- and he STILL likes me. I honestly don't know how to act, but I'm gonna do my best not to mess this up. For real.

We all know that the true test of a person is how they react in a crisis. For the record, I'm not the best person to have around when things go awry. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the reality of my life. Fortunately, that's not the case with MTB. As he told me, "I'm a grown man."

I recently decided that it was time to get my health together. So I went and got a physical and a well woman's exam. The well woman exam doctor is someone I saw last year when I was exploring my fertility options. Well, you know the winter kept me from following up on her suggestions...not to mention the fact that I forgot her name. So there were still some lingering questions about my situation. (And before you judge me, please know that I'm a southern girl through and through. I don't do much in the winter if I can help it.)

Anyway, when she got the results from my pelvic sonogram, she sat me down and explained that the placement of my fibroids didn't justify the amount of bleeding I was doing. That situation coupled with the fact that my blood levels were super low made her want to do a biopsy.

Please understand...I don't believe that I have cancer. However, I know that they don't do biopsy for just anything. So I'm a little freaked out. Just a little.

Meanwhile, I had been texting with MTB earlier that day when he told me that he'd lost one of his childhood friends to cancer. I told him that since I was gonna be in the city, I'd stop by his job to do a "drive-by hug." The goal was to comfort him.

Well, you KNOW I was a mess after getting that news. I didn't want to go, but I couldn't really come up with a good reason not to. Since the LAST thing I have is a poker face, he was able to see that something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him, but I didn't want to lie. So I told him. You know what he did? He held me and said, "You're gonna be fine."

While I was still jacked up, I left him and tried to believe that to be true.

The next day wasn't good at all. The medicines I was on had me cramping something terrible -- so terrible, in fact, that I had to go to the emergency room. Mind you, I had plans with MTB that afternoon, but I clearly had to postpone our date. What did he do? Offered to come to the hospital when he got off work and thanked my friend who came with me.

Today, he came over to see about me. We hung out all day, and I made lunch. For the most part, we just enjoyed each other's company. But you KNOW I had to apologize for bringing this madness into his life. He was so understanding and wonderful, basically telling me to shut up or else we'd fight.

I said all this to say that I think I've got a keeper on my hands. Just pray...


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My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Now What?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we…

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…