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In My Feelings...

I'm feeling some kinda way, so please bear with me. So much has happened since we last spoke.

For one, the new guy -- who I'm gonna call My Teddy Bear -- is awesome. I know they all start off that way, but I swear he's different. For one, he's real. What that means is that he's not looking for perfection. He sees me just like I am -- flaws and all -- and he STILL likes me. I honestly don't know how to act, but I'm gonna do my best not to mess this up. For real.

We all know that the true test of a person is how they react in a crisis. For the record, I'm not the best person to have around when things go awry. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the reality of my life. Fortunately, that's not the case with MTB. As he told me, "I'm a grown man."

I recently decided that it was time to get my health together. So I went and got a physical and a well woman's exam. The well woman exam doctor is someone I saw last year when I was exploring my fertility options. Well, you know the winter kept me from following up on her suggestions...not to mention the fact that I forgot her name. So there were still some lingering questions about my situation. (And before you judge me, please know that I'm a southern girl through and through. I don't do much in the winter if I can help it.)

Anyway, when she got the results from my pelvic sonogram, she sat me down and explained that the placement of my fibroids didn't justify the amount of bleeding I was doing. That situation coupled with the fact that my blood levels were super low made her want to do a biopsy.

Please understand...I don't believe that I have cancer. However, I know that they don't do biopsy for just anything. So I'm a little freaked out. Just a little.

Meanwhile, I had been texting with MTB earlier that day when he told me that he'd lost one of his childhood friends to cancer. I told him that since I was gonna be in the city, I'd stop by his job to do a "drive-by hug." The goal was to comfort him.

Well, you KNOW I was a mess after getting that news. I didn't want to go, but I couldn't really come up with a good reason not to. Since the LAST thing I have is a poker face, he was able to see that something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him, but I didn't want to lie. So I told him. You know what he did? He held me and said, "You're gonna be fine."

While I was still jacked up, I left him and tried to believe that to be true.

The next day wasn't good at all. The medicines I was on had me cramping something terrible -- so terrible, in fact, that I had to go to the emergency room. Mind you, I had plans with MTB that afternoon, but I clearly had to postpone our date. What did he do? Offered to come to the hospital when he got off work and thanked my friend who came with me.

Today, he came over to see about me. We hung out all day, and I made lunch. For the most part, we just enjoyed each other's company. But you KNOW I had to apologize for bringing this madness into his life. He was so understanding and wonderful, basically telling me to shut up or else we'd fight.

I said all this to say that I think I've got a keeper on my hands. Just pray...


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Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…


So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.