Skip to main content

In My Feelings...

I'm feeling some kinda way, so please bear with me. So much has happened since we last spoke.

For one, the new guy -- who I'm gonna call My Teddy Bear -- is awesome. I know they all start off that way, but I swear he's different. For one, he's real. What that means is that he's not looking for perfection. He sees me just like I am -- flaws and all -- and he STILL likes me. I honestly don't know how to act, but I'm gonna do my best not to mess this up. For real.

We all know that the true test of a person is how they react in a crisis. For the record, I'm not the best person to have around when things go awry. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the reality of my life. Fortunately, that's not the case with MTB. As he told me, "I'm a grown man."

I recently decided that it was time to get my health together. So I went and got a physical and a well woman's exam. The well woman exam doctor is someone I saw last year when I was exploring my fertility options. Well, you know the winter kept me from following up on her suggestions...not to mention the fact that I forgot her name. So there were still some lingering questions about my situation. (And before you judge me, please know that I'm a southern girl through and through. I don't do much in the winter if I can help it.)

Anyway, when she got the results from my pelvic sonogram, she sat me down and explained that the placement of my fibroids didn't justify the amount of bleeding I was doing. That situation coupled with the fact that my blood levels were super low made her want to do a biopsy.

Please understand...I don't believe that I have cancer. However, I know that they don't do biopsy for just anything. So I'm a little freaked out. Just a little.

Meanwhile, I had been texting with MTB earlier that day when he told me that he'd lost one of his childhood friends to cancer. I told him that since I was gonna be in the city, I'd stop by his job to do a "drive-by hug." The goal was to comfort him.

Well, you KNOW I was a mess after getting that news. I didn't want to go, but I couldn't really come up with a good reason not to. Since the LAST thing I have is a poker face, he was able to see that something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him, but I didn't want to lie. So I told him. You know what he did? He held me and said, "You're gonna be fine."

While I was still jacked up, I left him and tried to believe that to be true.

The next day wasn't good at all. The medicines I was on had me cramping something terrible -- so terrible, in fact, that I had to go to the emergency room. Mind you, I had plans with MTB that afternoon, but I clearly had to postpone our date. What did he do? Offered to come to the hospital when he got off work and thanked my friend who came with me.

Today, he came over to see about me. We hung out all day, and I made lunch. For the most part, we just enjoyed each other's company. But you KNOW I had to apologize for bringing this madness into his life. He was so understanding and wonderful, basically telling me to shut up or else we'd fight.

I said all this to say that I think I've got a keeper on my hands. Just pray...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

Post Mortem on The Breakup

So...I told you that I'd finally given My Teddy Bear the boot...

...Or so I thought.

Apparently I didn't use the right words when I gave him his walking papers. He's under the impression that we're "on a break" and that we're still together.

 That is NOT the impression I wanted to give him.

But what do you say when a man is sobbing?

I said, "Let's just step back and heal ourselves and revisit this later." What I should've said was, "It's been fun, but I'm done, son."

Now he wants to talk to me. In person. I don't want to.

But if I do...I have something to say. He won't like it.

What I want to say is that we've all experienced loss. The difference is that we don't wallow in it. We know how to mourn the loss and move on. We never forget, but we release the pain of it and learn to treasure the time we had with the person.

What I found is that he wallows. That's why he eats the way he does. Instead of mo…