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Earning It

I told you that My Teddy Bear had spent the entire summer trying to convince me that there were other ways to be intimate and that I was "wrong" to want sex all the time. Ultimately his problem was low testosterone.

When he told me, I was a little upset. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" He was like, "I didn't know how."

This is the same man who told me that trust was "earned and not given," and he asked me for the opportunity to "earn my trust." After all this time, I realized that he didn't trust me.

Now true -- I didn't ask to earn it, but I can't believe that he doesn't know that I'm trustworthy. I try my best to be as good to him as I know how to be. In spite of the fact that he doesn't give me Vitamin D on a regular basis, I'm always here for him and by happenstance, I didn't cheat on him.

(I know he doesn't know about the latter, but that's not the point.)

The point is that he's grossly underestimated me as a person. Yes, I've been upset about the way this thing has been going down, but guess what -- I'm still his girlfriend. I'm not going to make him feel bad about a condition he's going through. I needed to know so that I wouldn't be feeling some kinda way about myself.

When I told him that, he said it made him feel bad. Guess what? You have to feel bad for doing something totally asinine and evil. There's just no way around it.

And this, too, is a part of love. When you love someone, you have to understand who and what they are in every setting. It's easy to feel loved when everything is going well. But it's when your life is raggedly and hanging in the balance that you really get to know who's on your side and on your team.

He's proven that he's on my team. I didn't realize that I hadn't done that for him.

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Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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