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Random Releases...

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color
--W.S. Merwin

I need to write today. (Actually, I probably need to write everyday, but that's beside the point.) I work as a writer, but today, I need to release some things from my soul. I need to share my heart...and this is the best venue for me to do it.

For one, I miss having good, close friends within a reasonable distance. By that, I mean people I can call on to go shopping or hanging or whatever. I have friends in California, but they're new friends...which isn't bad by any stretch...but sometimes, you don't want to explain yourself.

And I'm missing Granny. I'm sure it's just because I'm lonely. Overall, I've dealt with her being gone, but lately, I've been thinking about visiting my East Texas. And I haven't really dealt with it in real time...meaning that I haven't been in her hometown since she took her leave of us. I don't want this carefully constructed peace I'm operating in to be shattered, yet I feel like it's something I need to do.

As far as Mr. Wonderful is concerned, I don't know what to do about him. I'm enjoying our relationship, but I'm concerned about the future. Despite the fact that I'm happy with him, I still want a family. Nothing's gonna change that. But he's not trying to hear that...which puts me in a pickle. Do I enjoy the moment and sacrifice my dreams? Or do I give up my momentary happiness for an uncertain -- and possibly lonely -- future?

The job is going well for the moment, but I don't trust it. When I say that, I mean that I don't know if my boss will trip out on me again or not. So I just take it one day at a time...do what I'm supposed to do, and pray really hard.

And just getting these thoughts on paper (per se) makes me feel better.

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Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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