Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

Have you ever had a bad feeling about something? You know in your heart that a situation isn't quite right, but you forage ahead hoping you're just being paranoid. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten, the first feeling you had about a thing is the one you should've gone with. I said all of that to say that things didn't work out with Mr. Wright. (Pause for the collective "aww.") As I've been telling you, this latest trip to New York was a good excuse to get out here to see him. (And no, he wasn't my main purpose for coming out here. Actually, it's all about my president.) Everyone who knows me knows that I've been looking forward to this excursion for weeks because I really miss the people who've become like a second family to me. My friends are absolutely the best -- and I don't say that lightly. (Another post about them is coming soon.) Anyway, Mr. Wright and I have been talking about this trip a while, too. He knew that I was hookin...

Since it's a new year, I'm going to do new things. And that's why I called my father today. If you've been with me for a while, you know that my relationship with my mother's baby daddy is pretty much nonexistent. It's not that I have a lot of hostility toward him. I just don't know him that well. While that's not monumental to some, it's a big deal to me. This is the first time I've spoken to him since Granny died. He's called me a couple of times, but I haven't really been able to handle a conversation with him. Here's the deal -- with my mom, I don't doubt her love for me. If I'm blind, deaf, dumb, crippled, or crazy, I know she'll still care about me. My father, on the other hand, can only have affection for me if I'm doing well. His love is, in my opinion, predicated on my performance. It should be pointed out that my father has never said those things, but I just feel that way. Here's the real kick...

I want to learn to trust a man. I thought I could, but I'm realizing I can't right now. What brought this on, you ask? I was watching the Private Practice marathon on SoapNet, and my girl, Addison, was having issues with her new man. Her past infidelities made it hard for her to trust the man who had fallen in love with her. Even though I said I wasn't going to take Mr. Wright seriously, I've found myself getting caught up in his brand of attention. After all, who wouldn't want to be loved by someone? In this year that I've put a hold on intimacy, I've missed being the object of someone's affection. Even though this man put me through more drama than any woman should go through, it's nice. However, as my trip to New York City gets closer, I find myself questioning our situation. I guess I'm looking at the fantasy I'm in and wondering how it will hold up against the reality I'm facing. He still has three children, and he lives in New York...