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I'm Done!

Have you ever had a bad feeling about something? You know in your heart that a situation isn't quite right, but you forage ahead hoping you're just being paranoid. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten, the first feeling you had about a thing is the one you should've gone with. I said all of that to say that things didn't work out with Mr. Wright. (Pause for the collective "aww.")

As I've been telling you, this latest trip to New York was a good excuse to get out here to see him. (And no, he wasn't my main purpose for coming out here. Actually, it's all about my president.) Everyone who knows me knows that I've been looking forward to this excursion for weeks because I really miss the people who've become like a second family to me. My friends are absolutely the best -- and I don't say that lightly. (Another post about them is coming soon.)

Anyway, Mr. Wright and I have been talking about this trip a while, too. He knew that I was hooking with my peeps to travel to DC, and he knew that I was looking forward to seeing him and having him meet my friends. We started talking about how the thing was going down weeks ago, and I told him about my homegirl's birthday shindig a week and a half ago. I wanted to give him time to make whatever arrangements had to be made for him to be able to hang with us. That's what people do, right?

So can someone PLEASE explain to me why on the day this man and I are supposed to go out, he tells me he can't find a babysitter? I understand that it can be hard to find someone to watch your children (ages 15, 8, and 8 -- not twins, mind you) at the last minute, but SURELY you can figure something out if you have advance notice. Am I wrong for that?

Even though the lack of foresight pissed me off, the thing that really set it off in my mind was a conversation we'd had prior to my NYC arrival. We talked about my fears in this relationship. I told him that, given our history, it was hard for me to trust him. Furthermore, as I looked back over my life, I realized that my own history had a lot to do with it, too. I said that I'd never known a man who actually kept his word in relation to me, which made it hard for me to believe the stuff he was saying to me. These revelations -- which set me on a path of self-awareness that I didn't even realize was necessary -- were probably as profound to me as they were to him.

Anyway, he knew all of this going in, and yet that's how he chose to handle it. To say I was angry would be a gross understatement. Hurt, angry, confused, vexed, and perplexed were better ones. In my mind, his actions just fell in line with my fears, and it hurt me that I'd exposed so much of myself to him only to get it thrown in my face.

So here I am at bar in Harlem, singin' and swingin' and gettin' merry like Christmas on Friday night, when I decided to text out my feelings. I don't know why I thought it would help, but that's what I did. I told him how hurt and confused I was, how it wasn't necessary to take me through this madness, and how much his actions fed into an already bad situation.

Things were already bad, but they took a turn for the worse when I spoke to him on Saturday morning. That's when he told me that he and his children were in Brooklyn. Apparently a relative of his had a birthday party in Brooklyn, and he, his mother, his aunt, and his children had travelled out there to attend. I asked him, "Does your cousin have a birthday at the same time every year?" He was like, "Yeah." I then wanted to know why it hadn't occurred to him to mention it when we were making plans prior to my arrival. He then explained to me that he doesn't get to see his relatives very often, and the party was an impromptu type of thing. When I pointed out that I live in California, that we had been planning this evening for at least a week, and that he could've let his kids go to Brooklyn with his mother and his aunt, he informed me that they don't watch his kids. When I asked him to try and see things from my point of view, he shut me down with, "I couldn't find a babysitter, and that's the end of this discussion." So I said, "You're right," and hung up.

Seriously, I don't see a reason to continue trying. He's let me know -- in no uncertain terms -- that I will never be a priority to him. His life is full, and I don't fit in anywhere. Why should I subject myself to that? Later for Mr. Wright. I'm making room for someone who wants to make room for me.


Angie-Nuvision said…
You don't need to talk to his a$$ no more. And I mean it. Do not call him anymore.
You know how we always talk about how bordem will push us to do certain things for entertainment value. Well, your boy, Mr. Wrong, must've been bored the last few months, and just didn't have anything to do but mess with you. But like you can put it, you ain't no damn Jack in the Box. You're a beautiful, exciting, giving, intelligent, whole woman.
Kick him to the curb! You don't need him. He needs you. But he's too stupid to realize it. Dumb!

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I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
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I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
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