Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

"He was in love with you." That's what New Boo's best friend told me when I asked -- in a drunken stupor -- if he'd ever loved me. I have tried my best not to think about it, but I can't help it. I still wonder what in the world I did to make him fall out of love for me. This thought is especially poignant as I reflect on the third anniversary of our first hookup. I remember how eager I was. How hopeful I was. I didn't expect anything but a good time. As we climbed to his fourth-floor walk up, I thought we'd just kick it, I'd go home, and that would be that. What happened in that hot room that night changed my life. And here I am...questioning everything we did for the millionth time. PS -- I finally broke things off with My Teddy Bear. It was hard, but I did it. He didn't take it well, but I got everything out that I needed to. Now it's on to the next episode...or not.

Real love makes you giddy. When you see the object of your affection, your face lights up from the inside out. When you're apart, you long for the person -- even if it's just a few hours. I used to feel that way.  I want to feel that way again. Sadly, My Teddy Bear was never the object of that, and it's unfair to him. What's sadder is that he doesn't realize it. When he got with me, I was so broken that I needed someone...anyone...to help glue me back together. My main requirement was that he wasn't New Boo. And he wasn't. He seemed to have his thing way more together. He made me feel special -- something I needed at the time. But things have soured. First of all...he restricted my conversation. He wouldn't let me share with him like I needed to. Then he stopped sleeping with me. That was a biggie. Now I just feel empty when it comes to him. It's almost like I'm not in a relationship anymore. It would be easy to place the blame on him...

And the situation continues... I still have not mustered up the guts to end things with My Teddy Bear. It's hard to break up with someone you barely talk to. Our conversations are so superficial. We never talk about substantive stuff, and now I see how that's affected me. When we first started dating, I wanted to share things with him, but he only wanted to hear about things pertaining to me. I didn't matter if it was important to me -- he wanted no parts of it. It doesn't work that way for me. Instead of fighting for what I wanted -- the freedom to discuss everything with him -- I retreated. I just started talking to other people. At the beginning, we'd have sex on a somewhat regular basis. However, it was also around the time I started getting sick, so I was out of commission a lot of time. After he decided that he didn't want to sleep with me -- because of his low T, I found out later -- I still didn't fight it. When he said he didn't want to di...

So...I told you the end is near for My Teddy Bear and I. Because I'm not a total bitch -- or maybe I should say because I don't want to be -- I'm putting it off by a week or so because he lost one of his best friends. But it's getting harder and harder to hold this sham together. Case in point -- my homegirl's birthday party. I was drunker than I needed to be on a work night, and I showed out. I was dancing with all kinds of boys -- mostly gay, but one is bi and wants me badly. With his well-toned physique and winning personality, I like him, too. Even though I know I won't go there, you couldn't tell it the way I was grinding up on him. Much to my chagrin, I let my affection-starved body take over. Let's just say that it was NOT a good look -- especially since his friends were there. He ended up coming home with us...and he didn't say a word about what went on. He also didn't make a move on me. At all. Ugh... In other party news, I s...