Skip to main content

...

I am hurting. My heart is sore, and I don't know if I'm coming or going. And I don't like it. I'm not used to feeling this way, but I can't help myself. I want to scream, but I know it won't do any good. Not now.

Try as I might to be positive, the reality of my life is setting in. I'm 40, single, childless, and kinda chunky, with absolutely no prospective Mr. Wonderfuls on the horizon. Not now.

I'm thinking about resorting to Internet dating because I really don't want to be alone. Of course, I know better because I'm not in a good enough place to bring anyone into the chaos I call my life. And of course, there's always the prospect of no one wanting me. And even though I don't want to believe it, it's looking more and more like the truth. I cannot deal with rejection. Not now.

So I'll do what I always do. Write these feelings down, divorce them from myself, and pretend like they don't exist.

Moving on...

Comments

Redbonegirl97 said…
Internet dating is special is all I can say. I have met some nice guys, some not so nice guys and some guys that I ended up being good friends with. So you never know. Good luck.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Mo said…
I agree with Tiffany. I have done internet dating from time to time and there are some good dudes and there are ones that look like they have just been paroled. It is an option. With our world getting smaller and smaller, you never know, you just might hit the jackpot!

Popular posts from this blog

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Now What?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we…

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…