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Another Crazy Saturday...

Sometimes I wonder if I look the old woman at the club. You know who I'm talking about. She's the one whose time is clearly past, yet she's still out there looking for the one. She puts on her best hot girl outfit, the one that makes her feel like a million bucks. Never mind that the outfit -- and her -- are long past anything like hot, but yet out she goes.

That's the sum total of my feelings this evening. Like I'm chasing something that's completely out of my reach. Let me explain...

As you know, I'm still in search of my very own Mr. Wonderful (although this particular post has nothing to do with that.) But even more, I want to find my dream job because the current one is a nightmare of sorts. Have you ever had a job that you loved on some levels, but hated on others? That's where I am now. The job is fun because I get to do what I love -- entertain people on the air. However, the content of the show I'm on is not something I can discuss in polite company. It's so bad that my mom won't tell people where I work. (Heck, I haven't even told YOU where I work.) And to top it off, I don't make enough money to make my ends meet. The content of this job compromises everything I believe to be right and true, but since I haven't been able to find anything else to do, I've been stuck.

So, I decided that I was going to have to use my other talents to get by. To that end, I resurrected an old dream of mine -- singing. As quiet as it's kept, it's really not that far-fetched. For one, I was a music ed major in school with an emphasis in voice. I didn't complete that degree because I knew that being trapped in a room with a bunch of kids isn't something God called me to do. (And if He did, I swear I missed that call.) And honestly, when I decided to pursue radio, I did it with the mentality that if wasn't going to be on the records, I'd play them.

Well, I started taking voice lessons earlier this year, and they've been really good for my voice. I can hear a total improvement in it. Also, I started doing karaoke with my voice teacher. That's been really important because one of the main reasons I didn't sing was stage fright -- coupled with the fear that I wasn't good enough.

And honestly, things have been going well. My church choir director -- who's also a good friend and a professional musician -- has been kicking me work when he can. In fact, I went to a jazz clinic with him earlier this year that was quite lucrative and encouraging. Not only was it a great gig with a bunch of pros, the people liked me well enough to want me back next year.

But things still haven't jumped off like I need them to. I've been trying to network with producers and other singers, but to no avail. And today, I really got a wake-up call. One of the guys I met at a singers event unfriended on Facebook. It probably wouldn't have bothered me, but I had mentioned to him that if he ever needed a soprano to call me. I'm guessing that he deemed me thirsty and dropped me.

Which brings me to my question: Am I trying too hard to do something that should have been pursued a long time ago? Is it too late for me to consider something new?

Normally, I'd be left to contemplate the meaning of my life. But thanks to a call from my wonderful mother, I'm not. She didn't even know what was on my mind, but throughout the course of our conversation, she reminded me that I have hope because of Jesus. And I know that if He brings me to it, He can equip me for it. I just have to be patient and not let insanity overtake me. I also have to start praying more about my dream...and be careful who I share it with.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

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