Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

Dear New Boo, I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that. I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through. But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again.  I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for try...

I sometimes wish for a simpler time. Back when there were no bills, no credit reports, no jobs. A time when I could escape within the pages of a book for hours. Our parents would live forever and we were safe in our neighborhoods. The only thing we worried about was whether we were gonna get caught doing something we weren't supposed to do. How I long for those days now. I'm supposed to see New Boo tonight. I know I shouldn't, but he asked and I want to. My friends don't want me to go, and I know it would break My Teddy Bear's heart. But I want to know what he could possibly have to say after all this time. Basically, my heart needs to see if its made the right decision taking up with MTB. And I hate that I feel this way. Even though I spent the last year putting myself back together, there's still a bit of my heart that's holding out hope. There's still a part of me that wants to be with the man who orchestrated the worst heartbreak of my life...

When New Boo and I broke up, he said, "As long as we're both alive, there'll be a chance for us." Now that My Teddy Bear is on the scene, it's unlikely. But now New Boo wants to see me. I kinda want to see him, too. Here's the deal. I gave New Boo my heart. My whole heart. And he broke it -- and me -- in 20 million different pieces. Crushed it, actually. Even though I didn't want to, I gave him everything The Man Formerly Known as The One -- who will now be known as RIP -- earned. I know it was crazy, but in hindsight that's exactly what I did. That's why I think I took it so hard when we broke up. I was mourning what I had with both of them. Since RIP died, I invested everything in New Boo. When he broke me, I had to regroup and put myself together. MTB has been a big part of that process, but not every part. And there's still a part of me that wants to know for sure if I'm completely over him. I can't do that unless I see him....