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In Pursuit of Simplicity

I sometimes wish for a simpler time. Back when there were no bills, no credit reports, no jobs. A time when I could escape within the pages of a book for hours.

Our parents would live forever and we were safe in our neighborhoods. The only thing we worried about was whether we were gonna get caught doing something we weren't supposed to do.

How I long for those days now.

I'm supposed to see New Boo tonight. I know I shouldn't, but he asked and I want to. My friends don't want me to go, and I know it would break My Teddy Bear's heart. But I want to know what he could possibly have to say after all this time.

Basically, my heart needs to see if its made the right decision taking up with MTB. And I hate that I feel this way.

Even though I spent the last year putting myself back together, there's still a bit of my heart that's holding out hope. There's still a part of me that wants to be with the man who orchestrated the worst heartbreak of my life.

What the hell is wrong with me?

My friends say I'm a glutton for punishment. I think they might be right.

There's still time for me to change my mind. But if I don't, I know I will forever wonder what could've been.

Ugh...

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I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

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My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.