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Oh No...

So...I'm on the verge of doing something extremely stupid. I can stop myself...but I don't know if I will.

First, the backstory...

My best friend from high school died. She was 46. Her mother told me that her diabetes had made her heart bad. On March 18th, she stopped breathing.

I would love to say that my friend lived a charmed life, but she didn't. And the fact that she left three children and more questions than answers has vexed me more than I need. The funeral was sad, to say the least. Honestly, I'm pretty hurt about it.

Normally, I would just scream, cry, and try to understand the meaning of life. But this time, I can't.

My roommate's mom died at the same time. She was 73 years old, and she had suffered for the past three years. Honestly, I'm surprised she lived as long as she did. But she was a fighter, and death was a welcome reward for her and a relief for those who loved her.

So here I am, living in a house with someone who just lost her mom. See my dilemma? I can't grieve like I need to, and I really do need something.

Enter New Boo.

He hit me up on Easter. The LAST person I needed to hear from in my weakened state. I should have just blocked him because...you know.

One thing has led to another, and now we're making plans to see each other.

Yes, it's the last thing I need...and the only thing I want.

Here's the killer -- I know that once I see him and we do what we're going to do, I'm going to be even sadder than I was when I started out.

Here's the other crazy thing. My best friend never had a really good man in her life. The father of her first two children abused her. At one point, she was so scared that she and I were trying to formulate a plan for her to get out. It didn't happen, the kids were born, and then he died. The father of her third child suffers from mental illness. In fact, he lost his mind after the baby. I used to joke with her that she had killer kitty.

New Boo is abusive to my soul. I need to walk away. Run, actually.

I'm hoping that I'll be strong enough to walk away.

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