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I Can't

New Boo and I actually went out. He'd asked me, and after a few misses, we finally ended up at dinner. We ate, he paid, he walked me to work, bought me a watch off the street, and we had a conversation at my job.

It took me a minute to figure out why there was a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes. Now I get it.

When I look in his eyes, I see the architect of my greatest heartache. And try though I might, I can't shake that image. But my heart is still so open to him because, in spite of all we've been through, I love him.

All he'd have to do is show me that he's changed. That he's ready to love me like I need to be loved. That he's not "settling" for me because nothing else has worked out for him.

I am not a consolation prize. I'm not someone you settle for. I'm freakin' awesome.

I think he sees me as weak and pathetic...someone he can dangle a carrot in front of and get what he needs for the moment. Sadly, I've not done anything to change that perception of me because my poor heart has been just that desperate.

But I've done my very best to move on and grow. I'm not dating anyone right now, but it's because I haven't found anyone I deem worthy. I want someone who wants me. Someone I can build with because he wants it as much as I do.

Until I see this in him, he'll forever be the one with whom I can't deal.

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