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I Should Have Seen It

Nothing happens quickly...at least not in interpersonal situations. It’s gradual...and so many times we’re so busy that we don’t even see it coming. That’s what it’s been like with you.

It never occurred to be that I’d need to look for betrayal in my friendships.

But as I reflect on what’s been going on, that’s exactly what has happened. You having other friends has never been a problem for me. I have other friends, too — both in and out of our circle. But you took it to another level when you started to not only leave me out of things, but favor them over me.

If I had ever thought that this day was possible, I would’ve railed a bit harder when I realized that it was easier for you to ask me to bring something home than it was for you to say, “Hey, we’re making [fill in the blank]. Can we save you some?”

It’s one thing to “forget” that I’m coming home, but it’s something else all together for you not to ask.

With my schedule, it’s easy to forget things. When you’re tired, some things just don’t matter. But now that I’m seeing this thing in my face in real time, I see that I should’ve left a long time ago.

I thought I was helping you. Instead of complaining about things, I figured I’d give you space to grieve and get back to yourself. Why curse the darkness when you can light a candle, right?

But when you decided to choose sides and leave me out, it really hurt.

It makes me think that there have been discussions about me. Times where you’ve said, “I don’t know how to/don’t want to/can’t talk to her.” And your new friends — because they love you and have no regard for me — decided to take it upon themselves to say all the things to me you felt you couldn't say.

That’s pretty messed up, as far as I’m concerned.

While I could be angry and bitter and say all kinds of ugly things, that’s not productive to me and not fair to you. What I will say is that I’m disappointed that you couldn’t come to me yourself. What did you think I would do? True...I’m not one to fight, but again...I thought we were better than that.

But you know what? It is what it is.

And at the end of the day, because you’ve been my friend, I won’t disparage your name in these streets. Not because I can’t, but because I’m not like that to people I love. And as quiet as it’s kept, I still love you. I don’t necessarily like you now. But I won’t stoop to your level. If I ever decide to say something to you, I’ll say it to you.

Because that’s how I get down.

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