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Random "Grey's Anatomy" Thoughts...

"I'm not through loving you."
I don't know why that line from the season finale of Grey's Anatomy makes me cry, but it does. It makes me think of every person I've ever loved. Most times, we broke up because I wanted a relationship with guys who only wanted relations. I bent over backwards to make beer taste like champagne, but it all backfired. Now I'm stuck with all this love to give and no one to give it to.

"I fail her over and over again..."
Derek Shepherd said that in reference to his relationship with Meredith Grey, but I feel like that so much of the time. It seems that everything I do turns out wrong. I put everything I could into my relationship with Jury Duty Boy, but it failed. I cooked, I cleaned, I gave him some of the most mind-blowing sex known unto man, but he still left me.

My job was no better. Even though I was making more money than my own mother, I couldn't keep up with the pace of working nights. They let me go, but I had let them go long before. The work-life balance was off for me. I worked through one of the most traumatic times in my life -- the months after I found out about my fibroid tumors. I should've been home because I was sick. I bled for five weeks straight, but I carried on because I thought they needed me. I realized too late that if I had keeled over, they would've found someone to do my job, but there would be no one to live my life.

After it was all over, I picked up my life and moved across the country to get away from my failures. Now I'm in LaLa Land, and I hate it. I've never felt fatter, older, and more undesirable than I do here.

And yet, I have hope. Even though it doesn't feel like I do, I must because a) I get up every morning, b) I go to the gym, and c) I believe that life in Los Angeles has to be more than I've seen. Even more than all that, Derek and Meredith ended up together in the end. While life doesn't always imitate art, it gives me hope, and who doesn't need a little hope right now?


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