Since it's a new year, I'm going to do new things. And that's why I called my father today. If you've been with me for a while, you know that my relationship with my mother's baby daddy is pretty much nonexistent. It's not that I have a lot of hostility toward him. I just don't know him that well.
While that's not monumental to some, it's a big deal to me. This is the first time I've spoken to him since Granny died. He's called me a couple of times, but I haven't really been able to handle a conversation with him. Here's the deal -- with my mom, I don't doubt her love for me. If I'm blind, deaf, dumb, crippled, or crazy, I know she'll still care about me. My father, on the other hand, can only have affection for me if I'm doing well. His love is, in my opinion, predicated on my performance. It should be pointed out that my father has never said those things, but I just feel that way.
Here's the real kicker -- I gave him the address to this blog. My mother doesn't even know I have a blog. Why did I do it? I really don't know. I guess there's some part of me that would like for him to get to know me on my terms. My mother pretty much knows everything there is to know about me, but my father has no clue. I guess the reason I did it was for him to be able to understand the daughter he didn't raise.
Does that mean I'll censor the content? I don't think so. As far as I'm concerned, this corner of cyberspace is mine. It's a place for me to work out my feelings, get my thoughts in order, and express myself without fear of criticism or judgement. If he or anyone else doesn't like what they see here, they are more than welcome to leave.
While that's not monumental to some, it's a big deal to me. This is the first time I've spoken to him since Granny died. He's called me a couple of times, but I haven't really been able to handle a conversation with him. Here's the deal -- with my mom, I don't doubt her love for me. If I'm blind, deaf, dumb, crippled, or crazy, I know she'll still care about me. My father, on the other hand, can only have affection for me if I'm doing well. His love is, in my opinion, predicated on my performance. It should be pointed out that my father has never said those things, but I just feel that way.
Here's the real kicker -- I gave him the address to this blog. My mother doesn't even know I have a blog. Why did I do it? I really don't know. I guess there's some part of me that would like for him to get to know me on my terms. My mother pretty much knows everything there is to know about me, but my father has no clue. I guess the reason I did it was for him to be able to understand the daughter he didn't raise.
Does that mean I'll censor the content? I don't think so. As far as I'm concerned, this corner of cyberspace is mine. It's a place for me to work out my feelings, get my thoughts in order, and express myself without fear of criticism or judgement. If he or anyone else doesn't like what they see here, they are more than welcome to leave.
Comments
That's major...Giving your father the keys to the diary... Now, that's what you call a tough chick.
Holla at me later. I need a friend.
AB