Trust Me? Yeah, Right!

I want to learn to trust a man. I thought I could, but I'm realizing I can't right now. What brought this on, you ask? I was watching the Private Practice marathon on SoapNet, and my girl, Addison, was having issues with her new man. Her past infidelities made it hard for her to trust the man who had fallen in love with her.

Even though I said I wasn't going to take Mr. Wright seriously, I've found myself getting caught up in his brand of attention. After all, who wouldn't want to be loved by someone? In this year that I've put a hold on intimacy, I've missed being the object of someone's affection. Even though this man put me through more drama than any woman should go through, it's nice.

However, as my trip to New York City gets closer, I find myself questioning our situation. I guess I'm looking at the fantasy I'm in and wondering how it will hold up against the reality I'm facing. He still has three children, and he lives in New York and I live in Los Angeles. Neither of us have plans to move anytime soon. That in and of itself wouldn't be so bad, but I don't think he's capable of being faithful in the meantime.

Here's what makes me say that. When we first started discussing the possibility of us, he said that he was going to drop all of his current women. Even though I didn't think it was necessary for him to go there -- at least not at that time -- he said that if he wanted to be with me, he knew that it was necessary to put his best foot forward. However, when I asked him about it on New Year's Eve, he hemmed and hawed and hesitated way too much for an honest man. He then was suddenly too tired to talk, and he hasn't called since.

At first, I was just going to chalk it up to the game. After all, what do I have to lose if another brother lies to me? I could've just kept it moving like always. Our history is such that my feelings aren't set in stone. However, since HE called ME up with this "I want you in my life at all costs" mess, I decided to give him a chance to explain. When he didn't answer my calls, I text messaged him.

Me: You're avoiding me. Why?
Him: I'm not avoiding you. I love you.
Me: What are you doing? Why haven't you called?
Him: I've been really busy with the kids and the company.
Me: Okay. Carry on. Handle your business.
Him: Thank you sweetheart. Thank you for understanding.
Me: I don't, but I know you're doing what you think is important. Go ahead and do what you need to do.

This is a perfect example of what I think our lives would be like -- me, on the sidelines, while he deals with the rest of his life. The reason we broke up the first time was that he wouldn't give me a place in his life. I've always understood that I might not be number one, but I will not be placed on the shelf like a Christmas toy.

FYI, the Christmas toy is the one that a child wanted more than anything in the world. On Christmas day, that toy gets all the child's attention. As time goes on, though, that toy gets relegated to the shelf with the rest of the child's things. It only gets taken down on special occasions after that.

I've explained this to him before. The way I see it, we don't have to have a full-blown conversation every day. However, since we're over two-thousand miles apart, we have to stay connected. All he has to do is pick up the phone and say, "Baby, things are going crazy here, but I wanted to touch base with you. I'll catch you later." Of course, in his mind, that's not important. And that's why I'm doubting.

That's not the worst part. To me, the worst part was the hesitation. If he doesn't want to do this, I'm okay with that, but not the lying. I'd like to believe him and believe in him. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen. I don't think he's worthy of my trust. While I'm not happy about it, I'm not surprised. As I've said before, there's a reason why an ex is an ex. Stay tuned...