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May 9, 2009

I'm upset with myself right now. I never thought things would get this bad, but they have. I've come to a point where I really don't know what I'm going to do about my bills.

Let me back up for those of you who really don't know. My career has taken some interesting turns since I've been in California -- mostly for the bad. Most recently, I was forced to leave the job I had teaching radio to children because they wanted to drop me down from 25 hours a week to 12. Since I lived a good 45 minutes from the job, it wasn't cost-effective for me to make the drive.

For the majority of 2009, I've been surviving on one part-time paycheck. Unfortunately, ALL of my bills are full-time. That has put me in a crazy bind because I really don't have anyone to depend on. When I was in NYC, my family depended on me for any extras. Now that I don't have anything, I'm pretty much on my own.

Thankfully, Mr. Wonderful has been in my corner, and he's as helpful as he can be. Up until now, I've been able to keep the severity of my situation under wraps. He knows that my money is funny, but I couldn't bring myself to say, "Dude, I'm about to lose my car and my phone's about to get disconnected. Oh, and by the way, the only reason I've been able to survive this long is that you've been feeding me on a regular basis." I just can't form those words with my lips.

So you can imagine how ugly it was for me when things came to such a point that I couldn't hide them anymore. I had to make a car payment to keep them coming for me. Unfortunately, that left me with a whopping $6 in the bank. Has my rent been paid? Of course not! Is there a stitch of food in my house or gas in my car? HA! And we can't even begin a conversation on all the things I need to keep up appearances -- makeup, clothes, shoes. And I'm not talking about extravagant things, either. My sneakers are falling apart, and I can't replace them. I haven't had anything new to wear in almost two years.

If I had a different, less public lifestyle, I wouldn't care. However, I've been blessed to work in an industry that requires me to look a certain way. For example, I have a speaking engagement on Tuesday. These people -- who, incidentally, think I'm balling out of control -- want me to talk to them about the importance of satellite radio. I have a dress to wear, but I'm gonna have to pull a few tricks out of the bag to make sure my hands and feet are up to par.

Anyway, I was at Mr. Wonderful's house when the $6 debacle occurred. I was so upset that I got back in bed and covered my head. When he asked me what was wrong, I had to tell him because I couldn't hide my distress. He was on his way out the door, but he said we'd discuss it when he got back. Even though I didn't want to, I told him just how bad my finances were.

For a person who prides herself on being strong, revealing this particular weakness was the hardest I've ever had to do. I tried to read his expressions, but it was hard since I was hiding my face under the covers.

And what was Mr. Wonderful's reaction to my plight? He said, "Well, let's see what we can do." He told me that he'd cover my rent until my check came, and we'd see about the phone bill. Basically, he found a solution to my problem. And as if that weren't sweet enough, he made my favorite food to cheer me up.

What can I say? He's awesome. So why, you ask, am I upset?

Because I never wanted to be in a position where a man would have to bail me out. I know that relationships consist of both give and take, but I hate being on the taking end so much. It's nice that he will, but I just don't want to stay in this place too long.

But I will say this -- it's nice to have someone around who doesn't mind having your back.

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